I seem to have an issues with excesses lately. I partied a little too hard this weekend and I'm feeling the effects today, that's for damn sure. Where are my noble desires to eat right, exercise and take care of myself?

I'm discovering, albeit the hard way, that having a chronic illness can really weaken the personal resolutions we have in life. It seems I can juggle family, writing, editing, house, friends, cooking, exercising and various medications - but not all of them at the same time.

I had a great week of exercise (two weeks ago) and then last week was filled with pain. I'm not sure when the weakness in muscles and joints snuck up on me again, for a while there I thought it was from walking and swimming. But last week I started feeling much older than I am. I'm having trouble on the stairs and walking.

Rather than face the issue that my medications aren't working as well, and perhaps I need to do something about it, I found a new drink when Pete and I went out to dinner last week and I cooked up a low-calorie version--and proceeded to drink way too much of it this weekend. It is seriously yummy.

During my sober moments, before drinking started at four p.m. (because hey, let's face it - even when I drink and go overboard I still do so responsibly), Pete and I talked about the picc line option for antibiotics again. I naively thought it cost around two thousand dollars for the whole treatment. Yes, that's a lot of money, but we have insurance and they'll cover most of it.

It turns out, with the hospital visit to install the line, that one month of treatment is around five thousand. Unaware of this price, I told my doctor that we'd pay for my next treatment if the insurance company won't. Apparently, they have no supporting data that a second picc line treatment will do any more good over longer treatments of oral antibiotics, so they don't always approve them. And some people are on a picc line for months.


Which means we may foot the five to ten thousand dollar treatment ourselves. It won't make us destitute, but it puts a damper on most all of our plans for the foreseeable future. We bought Pete's mom a small duplex this winter and our accounts were wiped out from that. We have retirement plans we can borrow from, so we're doing better than most people and I'm certainly not complaining. Just stating facts.

The real irony is, if I don't work my ass off selling my book when it does get a contract, that my meds will wind up costing more than I'll ever make on the book. The book I wrote to distract my self from my illnesses. Isn't that funny?

Most people think authors make a butt load of money on their books - and sure that might happen if you're a NYT bestseller, but that is not the case with most of the books being produced monthly. The may make five to ten grand if they are lucky.


So today, I'm going to go against doctor's order from six or eight weeks ago (seriously, I'd have to read my own damn blog to remember exactly and how freakin sad is that?), when he told me not to do supplements and it was okay to have a drink now and then.  I don't think he was counting on me drinking almost half a litre-sized vodka bottle in 3 days (see? I said it wasn't that bad, but it was bad for me!). I will research the supplements and my current meds to see if any will counteract the antibiotics efficiency, but I have to do something.

The physical issues from Lyme's are making me depressed and pushing me closer to the edge of drinking too much. Which certainly can't be helping me get better. This much I am sure of.

My husband joked this morning when he left for a two-day business trip, "Well, you should be better without me here as a bad influence." And sadly?  He's right. He drinks more than he should and it is really hard to not drink when he is. He also exercises daily, takes vitamins and supplements, ran the freakin NY marathon when he turned 40, and basically takes better care of himself than I do.

I have lots of excuses lately. But, just like most writers when they explain why they're not writing, we can all come up with dozens of reasons to support our actions rather than stop them.

I'm tired. I want to go back to bed. I want to cry because I feel like crap. But I won't. I'm going to get that damn book out on Lyme's, again, read what supplements they recommend, go buy them and start fighting this battle more actively. I obviously can't sit around and wait for this week-to-week roller coaster ride of effectiveness with the medication to rule my life. I can't wait to get better anymore.

I need to be part of the cure.

I'm going to go do some yoga stretches for the first time in weeks. See if I can get some of my muscles to ease up. Then buy several hundred dollars worth of supplements online. As far as "fun" shopping, I don't think it counts.

And if you hear me whimpering with muscle pain, give me swift kick in the ass (don't worry, I'll forget it in a few hours). No one said winning this battle against Lyme's would be easy and I'm just going through a rough patch is all.

C.J.

This week and last have been filled with new experiences for me. Hell, the past month has been life changing. From a death in the family, ending a relationship with my writing partner and friend, to launching a new venture and starting to write again.

I feel like a phoenix rising from the ashes. A molten spark of life in me glows brightly and will not be extinguished. No matter what.

I got involved with a Shut up and Write group on savvyauthors.com. Which has turned out to be a nice group of writers who encourage each other to meet our varying daily goals. I also signed up for Boot Camp next month on the savvy site to up my word count and get my head back in the game with The Hunt.

In the past two weeks I've written over 6k words on my latest WIP, and while that may not be blockbuster numbers for some writers, it's sure as hell better than where I was prior to that. I lined up some excellent guest bloggers on Wicked this past week- Cheryl K. Tardif and Bertena Varney, as well as lined up more for the coming weeks.

I'd love to get a co-blogger to share my days on both WITS and W W, to not only lighten my work load, but to attract a larger audience. So, if any of you reading this are interested please drop me a line. We're also actively seeking permanent bloggers to the Wicked blog on set days of the week - right now, Wednesday and Friday are open.

One thing the larger group on WITS has shown me is that the sense of community and friendship grows with the amount of people with positive energy in the mix, so I think expanding Wicked will be better with more members in the long run.

I also have some news--even though most of you have already read the excerpts I've posted on FB and other various locations of my first book--the online ezine Blood Read will be serializing the first seven chapters of Vampire Vacation, starting in June. Will I have to change this plan if I get a contract offer? I'm not sure. We'll have to wait and see when an offer comes in and what the verdict is then.

I've been spending some time since Eric's death over at the Vamplit writers social online network. I've met some really talented writers over there and am starting to build some friendships. My old writing partner made me feel like a shit heel for an email I sent out to one of our old co-bloggers who happens to act as an admin over at Vamplit. Stating I drove our co-blogger off when I was attempting to address some issues that were brought up in the group.

It doesn't appear that my old co-blogger hates me, so I'm going to ignore the accusations my writing partner flung at me while wishing I had never listened to her complaints and tried to fix them in the first place. For a while there, because of my old partner, I wasn't so sure I was cut out to try and organize a group of writers.

No matter when you try something new, there is bound to be doubts and fears. But having someone in your life that doesn't support you and instead blames you for all the things wrong in their life is unhealthy. I know a good idea when I get it and I'm not going to give up because of some set backs.

And truthfully? Neither should you.

Accept yourself for who you are and embrace it. Once you're comfortable in your own skin you will be able to see the relationships you've accumulated slowly over your lifetime that are unhealthy and a drain on you. Life, as I've learned more recently than I care to admit, is painfully short.

Don't waste a moment on the ones that say you can't do something, you shouldn't do it, or place blame at your feet. Blame gets you nowhere and neither does guilt.

Let it all go, so that you can rise from the ashes and soar like you were meant to.

Don't be afraid to dream-- and be determined to work your ass off to make those dreams happen.

Have a GREAT holiday weekend everyone!
~C.J.

I wrote last week about getting things in order in my work life and lining things up to focus on my writing. That is what I intend to do so you won't be hearing from me on here for a while. I'll still blog over at Wicked Writers on Mondays and the new group blog Write in the Shadows on Tuesdays, which launches this week. But something has got to give if I'm going to be juggling all these balls in the air, so for now I think it may be this blog.

I really enjoy writing on here because I get to share parts of myself and not worry about what anyone thinks. After all, I'm not attempting (because, hey, sometimes I screw it up) to organize a bunch of other writers-- it's just me. I will still be doing Sex Toys on the Sixteenth because it's just so damn fun. Don't get me wrong, I'll pop back in from time to time and write, but probably not as much.

The recent death of my nephew has greatly affected how I feel and how I'm looking at life right now. Last Friday, I had a very good friend dump a whole bunch of petty issues she's been hoarding for months on me and I don't think I can handle writing in good humor for a bit.

I feel lost and slightly broken hearted. She's not my only friend by any means, but she was a very special one and the crap she handed me felt like kicking a dog when it's already down. I haven't had anyone treat me this way since high school, and frankly that's what this whole debacle is - immature and stupid high school behavior.

Hey, but she feels better for getting it off her chest, so some good came of it, right?

We've all had times like this in our lives. I'll get through it. Just like you all do. With some time and good friends who accept me for who am I and don't try to make me feel bad for not being the person they want me to be.

Want to know some things about me so you'll know to avoid me if you ever meet me face to face?

I talk a lot. I tell long funny stories. I have strong opinions. I give good no-nonsense advice, sometimes when you don't ask for it. I tell the truth, yes, I try to sugar coat it with politeness, but I will tell you the truth-- always. I don't back down from challenges. I stick up for my friends and I'd give them the shirt off my back if they needed it. I'm outspoken and I don't mince words. I excel at organizing things and live most of my life by a plan. I lead in situations where others would prefer to watch. I make mistakes. I admit when I'm wrong and I try to make things right. I don't always succeed. Then I move forward.

Just like life.

I need to repair my heart and guard it a bit. I'm not feeling much like reaching out and being social, even on a blog. But, to my friends out there that keep dragging me out and making me--I owe you a big thanks. We all need a kick in the ass sometimes and I appreciate it when you give me the kicks I need.

Life is short. Don't waste a moment of it on regrets and petty bullshit.

C.J.

Thank you all for participating in my True Lies/ Creative Blogger Award. It was an blast and just what I needed to kick me back into gear.  Bad news - no one won the contest.

I was cracking up so hard at all the responses that I'm almost embarrassed to admit the truth. Notice I said almost - you have seen I have a special monthly feature called Sex Toys on the Sixteenth, right? I don't embarrass easily.

As a run down:

1) Yes, I was locked in the bathroom stall and the damn bathroom attendant decided to wander off for her break right when I went into the mini-room with the broken lock. It had floor to ceiling walls and a door - no way out. Pete couldn't hear my screaming and pounding, but he was just about to ask someone to go check on me. Uh-huh, sure. I still have flash backs when I go into that type of bathroom. And I leave the door unlocked. Flashing a stranger is still better than not being understood when you cry for help in a foreign country.

2) Yes, my father bought me the mace. The scary part is the security guy questioning me knew I couldn't have bought it while living in Jersey, where it was illegal and pressured me on where I actually got it. My dad was in Virginia and the officer knew it was legal to buy there. It was freaky for a while there. Learned a lesson though. Mace on a plane is a no-no.

3) Yes, also true. I spell for crap. Seriously. I can write out a word three or four times to try and pick the correct way to spell it and still choose the wrong way. It's been a problem since I was a kid.

4) Yes, I was a receptionist in my early twenties at the headquarters for a nationwide company. They liked my voice and professionalism on the phone so much they recorded me for training other receptionists.

5) Yes, the one about the fuck-er-ware party was also true. Do I need to elaborate? Have you read any of my work? ;-)

6) No, believe it or not, I have not had two gorgeous men ask me to be in a threesome. And if I had I would not have said yes.  Just wanted to clear that up in case any of you may have mistaken my adventurous side with the sex toys as my being a slutty tramp with such low self-esteem she'd hop into bed with two guys just because they asked. Low self-esteem is not something I've ever had.

I've been farting around for months now.  I allowed a contest to get inside my head, then a bunch of bloggers, then my illness climbed on my back to pull me down when I was free of most of the bullshit life heaped on me... and right as I struggled to get back on track and organize myself and my thoughts... Eric died.

Don't get me wrong - there's been some good the past few months too.  I landed an agent and currently have more people considering my book than rejecting it (hey, always a plus). I started a group blog and most weeks it's been a lot of fun.  I've met lots of new writers, joined some new sites and met some book bloggers that didn't hate my book at first reading. So yeah, life hasn't been all bad.

I've been reading some blogs from other writers and blogs from friends and one thing has become painfully obvious over the past few weeks. Life does go on.

There may be things I'd like to shout to certain family members about their behaviors and choices in life, but I will refrain. After all, if they haven't figured this crap out by now then nothing I can say will help.

I'm going to start writing again, but only after I finish editing my writing buddy's work.  One thing I haven't mentioned on my blog, because of all the other stuff going on it seemed rather petty in comparison, but she's is pulling away from writing right now.  She's not giving up, she just has to re-prioritize what she can do with her time for herself and for her family, and writing comes in after that.

It's been hard on me because she has also pulled away from our friendship. We used to spend a lot of time on the phone and email each other constantly.  Writing quickly took up a big BIG chunk of our lives this past year. I know she feels overwhelmed and this is her way of dealing with things, so in response, I need to be grown up about it as well.

Before I get back on track with my own writing and life I need to finish editing her work. I signed up for a great writing site: www.savvyauthors.com and joined a writing group to make some friends and stay motivated. I'm still getting to know people and talk in the forums, but so far everyone seems pretty cool and on track.

I'll take the rest of this week to do my partner's remaining chapters and then get back to writing for several hours a day on Monday. My goal is to get most of this book done before the kids get out of school.

Pete and I still feel like we're in a haze. We tend to go to bed early and stare mindlessly at the TV for an hour or so before that. But yesterday was a good day. I went in the hot tub before dinner (I walked for an hour and was already in pain, damn I'm out of shape) while the kids played basketball. Pete cooked and then we had a fire in the fire-pit table Eric built for us.

The day before was even better. The kids made me breakfast in bed, and ate most of it. We planted two vegetable gardens outside and then soaked in the hot tub before having my folks and my brother over for a nice Mother's Day dinner.

Each day that passes and each happy moment makes us cherish life all the more and be grateful for what we have. The pain will ease a bit little by little and we won't feel awkward when laughter grips us in its hold.

I plan on dedicating my second book to Eric. Now, I just have to get off my ass and finish writing it.

Write on!
~C.J.

What to do when you feel like doing nothing?  How about doing what you procrastinate about constantly?  Like exercising?

So that's what I'm doing again today.  I'm going walking in a bit. I worked a little yesterday on the new group blog scheduled to launch May 17th, called Write in the Shadows.  I did some housecleaning on Wicked Writers, which was kind of depressing, removing Wendy's info and such.

Too many goodbyes this week and I didn't want to face another one is all. Wendy was a huge part of the team and a big help. Not having her around will be hard and trying to replace her is a task I'm not up to right now.

I've had a really nice young woman approach me about doing Fanfiction on my series. I don't really know a lot about what that is, but Wikipedia had some great info. From what I read on there fans don't need an author's permission, they just do it, so I'm not sure what I should be doing next.  That's why I emailed my agent. Hey, she's smarter than me about all this stuff.

Speaking of my agent, I got some news from her yesterday that one of the eight publishers still currently considering V V, informed her that my MS was being taken to the Acquisition team and maybe they'll have an answer by the end of the month.  It's super exciting news.

In case some of you don't know, sometimes it's not solely up to one editor who decides to buy your book at a large publisher.  Most times it must go before a team of professionals and the editor must pitch it to the group and convince them of why the book is worthy or the company should take a chance on it.

I don't know much about this imprint under the publisher and while of course I intend to do some research on them, it's still pretty early in the game to count my chickens. I won't be naming names or naming numbers until I'm told it's okay to do so. I have enough business experience not to do that.

But it's two spots of good news and I wanted to share it. I needed a little brightness right now.

And now, I'm off to go walking. Everything will look better after I walk on a beautiful day.

~C.J.

While I'd like nothing more than to tell you about my trip in Disney and our week away, I can't. My heart is breaking right now. Yesterday afternoon, during our hellishly long trip home, we received some devastating news. Our 21 year old nephew, who just returned from Iraq and visited us last month, died in a motorcycle accident.


The details--other than he was hit by a truck while crossing an intersection--are not clear. And really, they don't matter.  Nothing will change the fact that he's gone. I still can't believe it. I'm hoping for a phone call that says it was all a mistake... but, I know it won't be coming.

Eric was filled with so much promise and life. His parents divorced in his teen years and he went through a really, really rough patch for a bit.  His relationship with Asa, one of his brothers, is probably the only thing that saved him. He didn't have a desire to go to college right away and couldn't get a decent job, so he joined the Army and it was the best thing for him.

It helped him decide on college, pick a path, and take care of himself.  He served one tour overseas so far and probably had more in his future before his term was up. But he had already decided not to re-enlist and was going to take the chance to get a degree afterward. We'd encouraged him to pick a school in Virginia and live with us when he got out, but who knows what he would have ultimately chosen.

My husband and I cried together last night after our long trip. We sat in our living room and recalled Eric's recent visit with us and his love of his Kindle. He was reading a ton of classics and able to discuss things on a deeper level of appreciation than he could have a few years ago. He talked about friends back home, guys in his unit, times in Iraq, a new fascination with jujitsu... and plans for his future.

It breaks my heart to see such waste to a life.

We haven't told our kids yet. They had head-phones on with videos for most of the ride and didn't hear my many phone calls to family. We'll be waiting on details while they fly Eric back to Jersey from Texas and his brothers come home from Afghanistan and Iraq.

Our home is filled with memories of Eric - he and Asa helped to build the pergola in our backyard with Pete, they installed new railings together on our deck, and Eric built our little fire-pit table. One year, they even hid eggs for a big easter egg hunt we had. They've always been great coming so far to visit us and I'm grateful for every moment they spent with us.

He and I had a blast discussing his werewolf character I was naming after him for book two, and he gladly took my first book with him when he left. Parts of him and his personality will live on in my stories, but I would rather have him here to laugh with me.

I love you, Eric. You will be sorely missed. You will live in our hearts forever, although that just doesn't seem enough right now.

Normally, I'm a pretty level-headed chick.  I hold no delusions of self-grandeur and I'm grateful for every person that likes my book. I woke up at 6 something on the vague edges of a dream where I received two contract offers in my email. Funny on so many levels.

First, even in my dream the money wasn't a huge amount.  Yes, it was much more than a sharp stick in the eye, and everyone has different idea of what an author makes these days, but let's just say both were in the low five-figure range. Apparently, I even dream in the relatively-realistic range.

Second, my agent would call me.  I doubt very highly she'd email me with news of an offer.  We save email for the rejects ;-)

Third, a contract would not be in an email. I read recently that some big publishers are going back to paper because an agent had hacked their encryption capabilities and changed a legal document. Yikes, and wrong on so many levels I don't even want to begin to touch that with a ten foot pole.

So there it is.  My start to the day. Make of it what you will.

I'm having a great week health wise.  The Herx reaction seems to be dying down and I'm almost symptom free again. I've been exercising and that combined with the meds this seems to be making a HUGE difference in how I feel day to day.

The doctor gave me some good news when we chatted on Monday.  After I relayed my symptoms to him and told him about my fever last week he agreed it was the Herxheimer reaction, which is a very, very good sign in this battle against Lyme. He also told me not to do the supplements b/c he didn't know enough about them and it was crucial I not do anything that could impede the antibiotics from working right now.  He also told me the occasional glass of wine (which I don't drink) or chocolate bar would probably be fine too.

YAY!!

He dismissed the caffeine comment so I'm drinking my 3 cups of 1/2 caf a day again. He agreed that perhaps the recommendations suggested in the book were for patients who were generally in very poor health (due to the disease) and that perhaps their doctors put them on this regimen because they needed to improve their overall health significantly just to fight the bacteria.  I'm just thrilled I'll be able to enjoy some of the Hershey's chocolate, have a gluten free beer, and coffee while on vacation. Heck - maybe I'll have all three in one day!

It truly is amazing how being sick can make you look at every aspect of your life completely different. Yes, yes, I'm not dying, we know that.  Although, the more I learn of Lyme's the more it sounds like some of the really bad cases wish they were dead.

I'm taking all the advice (thank you!) -- I'm leaving my computer behind on this vacation.  I'm packing at least three books by my favorite authors I've been dying to read.  I'm going to exercise every damn day and sleep well every night. I'm going to enjoy my kids and de-stress. And yes, I'll take pictures.

In so many ways this has been the hardest year of my entire life.  I've pushed myself into an entirely new career as a way to escape what I couldn't change. Thanks to the help of my supporters, I've accomplished more than most new writers do in five years or more. You've all helped me see this dream is real and can really come true. Thank you, again.

Kind of fitting, that the first break I'm allowing myself to have in over a year is a trip to Disney... Where dreams can come true. Isn't that their slogan? Something like that.

I'll miss you guys, but I'll be back and I'll occasionally check email.  So try me there if it's important. Oh - and please stop back by on the Friday for the first installment of Sex Toys on the Sixteenth. I'll be leaving that morning, but will stop by with my trusty email-phone to see what everyone has to say (on here and on Facebook ;-).

Cheers~
C.J.

Okay - I'm learning way more about blogs and websites than I'd like.  And not spending enough time writing.  But, before you all start yelling at me, I've had a pretty crappy two weeks with the return of my Lyme's symptoms and I'm finding it hard to concentrate and want to sleep a lot.

So naturally, I spent some time learning a new skill and updated my blog.  What do you guys think?  Do you like the new theme?  And of course, for my good friends who only read my blog on Facebook, you'll have to click here to see what I mean. If you never saw the orange one from before, well... you're not missing much.

Other good news - I picked my choice for blogging book reviewer for the Wicked Writers site.  Brande Waldron will be joining us from her home away from home on Book Junkie! Thanks, Brande, and I'm excited to have you on the team.

Lastly (because this is a short post since my head hurts so damn much), if there are any self-published or small press authors out there who read my blog and are interested in getting reviews for their books - please stop by this great forum: Author's Book Review Exchange. It's a terrific spot to connect with like-minded writers and get some well written honest reviews for your work posted on Amazon, Goodreads B & N and other such spots.  Another example of writers helping writers.

Wishing you all a better night than me - I'm off to get my kids in bed and then relax in the tub,

C.J.

I posted prematurely on Facebook that I was signing with my agent yesterday.  Turns out our nephew, Eric, opted to stay one more day so I changed my epic lunch plans. (If that's not love, I don't know what is!)  I'll now meet with Kristin Lindstrom, of Lindstrom Literary Management, on Monday to sign a contract with her in person. To explain how excited I am would be like trying to explain any high point in your life - the words come out garbled and the meaning is never quite conveyed with any measure of accuracy.

I can tell you I go from one extreme of feeling on top of the world, to the low of feeling like I'm going to be sick from the adrenaline high.

This week has been amazing on so many fronts.  We got to spend some time catching up with Eric - it was our first time seeing him in ages and he just came back from a one year tour in Iraq.  We went out to dinner with my folks last night to celebrate Eric's safe return home and my news with being offered representation.

We played a board game on Eric's first night here, and I received further proof that my brain is not anywhere near being back to normal.  I didn't remember the rules on how to play the game so I read the directions and proceeded to play badly for the next 45 minutes.  My husband and my daughter both made comments like "I never get this many blue cards, you usually do" and "This is the game mom always wins." And yet, I couldn't remember anytime I'd won and couldn't remember if I even liked the game.

I didn't dwell on it much, just took it with a grain of salt and moved on - what more can you do?  But it prompted Pete to talk to me about it later and we had to address the whole "it will take months to get back neurologically to where I was before Lyme's hit" issue again.

Moving on... The other highlights to my week were stopping the IV meds on Wednesday and getting the picc line removed today!  Yippee!!  I had naively thought I would be hot-tubbing and taking a long bath tonight.  Those plans will have to be relegated to tomorrow, because I have a pressure dressing on for the first 24 hours to make sure the wound heals properly.

In retrospection, this week seems surreal.  The call from Kristin, the terrific feeling that someone in the know really likes my book, the subsequent pipe dreams that followed the call... It's so hard not to get my hopes up and yet I really do hope with all my heart that this leads to something.  Getting an agent is the first step.  Getting a good agent can make all the difference in the world.

I did my research. I believe in this woman.  Now, I just have to face the fact that this may be the first BIG step in my new career. I'm excited and terrified all at once.  I know I'm not like the other writers that struggle for a decade to get where I am right now.  Sure, I've worked hard, but so have they - who's to judge who's deserving in their work?

I know what I really am - Lucky.

To quote Oprah, because I think she said it best "I feel that luck is preparation meeting opportunity."

I won't argue that I haven't prepared.  I know authors that have signed deals without even having a blog ready - and yet here I am with three blogs, a website, Twitter account, Facebook profile and business page, Goodreads account, Library Thing account... and just about anything else I can think of to promote myself.

And yet what I really feel is...





Grateful.





The road ahead will be rough at times.  I have more doctor visits in store and I have to see if my Lyme's comes back.  But overall, I'm grateful for my life and the people that are in it.

Stay tuned while we see what deals may be in store (hopefully) for V V.  I'll blog about it and reveal details when I can about upcoming deals (I'm sure there will be time constraints on that).  The future seems blindingly bright and yet scary as well.




I wonder... what will it hold?




Have a great weekend everyone!  I'll tell you about the lunch meeting on Monday afternoon!

C.J.

I am so ready for this freakin illness to pass.  I sit here at the computer with tears in my eyes and an emotional wreck.  I just read the heartbreaking story of the Canadian ice skater whose mother died right after her arrival to watch her daughter skate in the Olympics.  Just heartbreaking!

And how did I start my day with my daughter?  Yelling at her. TV shouldn't be on before school (the kids have been getting up on their own early and sneaking down to watch it before school, a practice started with the extra week+ off from school with the back-to-back blizzards).  She should have packed her backpack and emptied her lunch bag - yesterday!  She should have not left her crap all over the floor so her brother wouldn't trip on it all and smash his knee. She should not shove her dirty clothes from Sunday in a corner of the hallway behind an antique chair and think it's OK. She should have handed her signed report card back in and trusted me ("But mom, the envelope's empty!" "No it is not, it has the signed slip in there just like the directions told me to do!!").  She should have her karate equipment bag and uniform ready - weren't theses all things she told me she did last night? She should have shut her bedroom door because of the gerbil cage (the cat is looking to kill the last one, a fact she is well aware of and refuses to give the gerbil to a safer home).

I feel like some days there is no getting through to her.  I know she's testing me.  I know this too shall pass.  I know I'm emotional and angry because of the Lyme's (because it's too early for PMS ;-).  I know my memory is shot and my brain is spotty - but that doesn't make it any easier. I'm quick to anger, quick to yell and my patience is non-existent.

Who is this monster that yelled at her kids from almost the second she got up until the second they went out the door - barely catching the school bus in time because apparently toothbrushing time is time to make fart noises, chat, make funny faces in the mirror, spit with exaggerated noises and generally drive mom fucking crazy.

Pete is on a business trip, and while that is not an odd occurrence and this trip is short, he is the buffer between me and the kids when I'm on edge like this.

Ahh...here come the tears again... that poor skater.  Worked her whole life with her mother by her side cheering her on - to lose her from a massive heart attack two days before she is to compete in the Olympics.

I hate being sick.  I hate being weak.  I hate how what I can't see can effect my day to day life in such a devastating way. The tubes in my arm suck and I miss my baths.  I shower twice a week now due to the ordeal of wrapping my arm in plastic and worrying about exposing the dressing to water and it sucks.

Where will my relationship with my daughter be in a few years? Will she be a teenager and hate me? The kids talk about me like I'm some mean monster who makes them do things they hate and yet as a parent my job is to teach them the skills they need to become a responsible adult who can contribute to society - not be their buddy.  We'll be their buddies when they are 24 and living on their own, right?

I want to hug my daughter now and say I'm sorry.  I tapped her on the check to today - I can't say smacked because that is not what I did.  I didn't leave a mark and I didn't do it hard.  It was calm and deliberate.  I held her face in both my hands and then pulled one back and gave her a light tap on the cheek. I even told her I was going to do it.  I told her she had to snap out of the world she's in and start to be aware - to think  - to act responsibly - to act her age.

She, of course, burst in to tears and said I hit her. I calmly explained that if I had hit her she'd be on the floor and that a hit usually leaves a mark behind. I explained that I did it to get through to her - to embarrass her - and then I talked to her about how I hate the fact that yelling and humiliation seems to be the only things that get through to her.  I made an impression all right.  But was it the right one?

I'm not one of those parents that thinks a child should never be spanked - and there is a hug difference between spanking and hitting and if you don't know that then YOU need serious help.  But at age 9, my daughter hasn't been spanked in years. Spanking in our house was brought on by deliberate acts to hurt someone else (meaning when at age five she put both legs together and donkey kicked her three-year-old brother in the stomach and launched him across the room in front of me because he was bothering her) or when they do something that could potential be life-threatening to themselves (like when they are three and run into the road - they may not understand the fear of cars, but they will understand the fear of spanking for doing it).

So here I am... sitting in front of the computer.  Off to a crappy start to a crappy day.  I'm going to log off and get done all the things I've been putting off.  Try to get my head on straight and shake this fog of anger and tears associated with the Lyme's. The doctor told me it would be months before I was back to normal and that's IF the meds work this time. I've got ten more days of the IV drip and while I would have said last week I was doing great, it's pretty apparent today that's not the deal.

I am such a controlled and rational person that I can't stand what this freaking disease is doing to me. My behavior has spiraled out of control and I need to give myself a timeout. I'm going to step back from the computer for a few days.  I'm never down and I'm never out.  This is just a set back and I'll bounce back.  I need to get my priorities straight and reconnect with my kids.

Oh - and if you read this - try not to judge me too harshly.  Walk a mile in my three-diseases-in one-year shoes and then we'll talk.

Let's all cheer on that skater from Canada tonight.  While I have a chance to fix things with my kids and get my life firmly back on track, that young woman will forever have her dream of the olympics tainted by the loss of her mother.  She's a brave and strong young woman and competing is exactly what her mother would have wanted her to do.

Off to dry my eyes and give my self the kick in the pants I need.  Lyme's disease will not defeat me and it will not destroy my family.  Messed up autoimmune system that seems to be buckling under some stupid tick bacteria aside, I simply will not allow it.

C.J.

Ah... here I am... snowed in.  Our street has still not been fully plowed and we can't leave our driveway unless my husband digs out a twelve foot long trench from the bottom of our driveway to the single plow-width pathway in the road on the other side of the street. Something I'm trying to discourage him to do.

We've had a four-hour brown-out, which was scary because the house temp dropped significantly in that time frame, lots of hot coco, and now one seven-year-old with a stomach bug.  The virus has quarantined his sister from socializing as well (much to her dismay).  I figured her friend's parents wouldn't appreciate a little virus carrier in their home, so she'll be allowed to visit when he brother's symptoms have disappeared for 24 hours.

So why pajamas?  Well, we're snowed in.  I can't shower easily with a picc line in my arm, no one is coming over, pajamas are comfy - and oh, did I mention? I'm not going anywhere with all the damn snow, so who cares?

The picc line has been interesting to say the least.  The hospital had an emergency when I was there so I had to wait three hours in a backless gown huddled on a gurney waiting my turn.  Thankfully, I had Laurell K Hamilton's new release, Flirt, there to keep me company. The book was okay, but I wish I'd waited for the paperback version.  That will be the last time I pre-order from Amazon without reading the description details first.  Less than 200 pages for a hardcover? Can you say greedy? It should have gone straight to paperback and if I was dishonest, I'd return it and say I never read it.  But I won't, because I'm not.

Last week I started working on The Hunt again.  It feels great to be reading over the early chapters and plotting my next moves.  I've been editing my own work, plus my writing partner's and Greg's, in addition to posting on Wicked Writers, WDC, in the beta reading group, and working an IV drip in my arm (oh, and managing my snowed in household, should I mention that?)

What have I been neglecting?  Mailing books out to reviews and supporters, figuring out various paypal issues, emailing people back who've requested info, sending out new queries... that last one never seems to end.  I was worried about the picc line and stressed about my health, both of which have made it hard to juggle everything.

I'll be glad when the kids are back in school (maybe by Wednesday - can you give me a   halleluiah!) and the meds are over (March!!). I want to be back to normal and focused on the second book.  Not to mention find a buyer for the first one.

Toward that goal, I've entered the Amazon Novel Breakthrough Award contest.  Do I think Vampire Vacation will win out of 5,000 entries? No, not really.  Do I think it could get noticed in the contest?  Yes, that is my sincere hope. I'll keep you all posted on that - I may need some Amazon reviews of my excerpt if I make it to the next phase.  Here's to hoping!

Recently, V V was reviewed again by a book blogger named Heather, on her site The 24/7 Mom.  She approached me when she saw my forum post on a book-blogger social network called Ning looking for reviewers. I'm grateful she took the time to read V V and share her thoughts - thanks Heather!  In addition to a V V giveaway offered on her site, there is another eight book giveaway offered on Wicked this month too in honor of Valentine's Day. Please check them both out!

Wishing you all a warm week, I'm off to attempt a shower with my saran-wrapped arm!
C.J.

I've been on a mission to lose weight and get healthy this year.  The first goal has been given a jump start by me cutting down severely on my love of gluten free beer and a mixed drink of cranberry, seltzer with a shot of vodka (does that have a bar name? I'm pretty dumb on that stuff.)

The second goal I started with lining up more doctor visits.  Those are never fun - but finding out the problem is the Lyme's and not MS is worth it. The new medication did the trick.  The neuropathy in my hands and feet went away in a week of taking the new treatment.

Alas, cutting back on drinking to consume less calories left me un-prepared on our ski weekend away when I had four or five drinks the first night.  Alcohol tolerance doesn't diminish in matter of weeks - it wasn't like I got drunk as a skunk when consuming them over a seven hour period of time.

But I was certainly sick as a dog the next day - all damn day.  I missed skiing and everyone had a blast.  I was finally able to keep water down by Saturday night by 6:15.
We watched Paranormal Activity.  Sleeping on and off all day long while recovering from the side effect of the antibiotics ensured I didn't sleep much that night, so it's nice I had a horror movie as my last images before going to bed and attempting to sleep.

The next day was tubing!  I got up and felt much better but still shaky and weak.  My son didn't want to go tubing and I was not up to par so I stayed at the tubing lodge with him while everyone else went. But a lot of the kids were only up for one time going down so I had human contact and got to talk to everyone and take pictures - MUCH better than Saturday.

Overall, I was glad we went.  My kids got to try a new sport, and enjoyed it.  My husband got to get back to a sport he loves.  We went with two other families and it was our first group getaway with children involved - and we all had a good time (you know, except for the puking).

I came home convinced it was the alcohol and not the drugs and maybe I'd just had some bad luck.  I took the meds again last before bed (I didn't brave them the rest of the weekend) and was sick first thing this morning (I haven't had any alcohol in two days, and don't think I will be having anymore for a quite a while).  Good thing is now we know it's the drugs!

Doctor said don't take anymore and now we play the waiting game. The pict line is the option to go, but it apparently has some risk of complications he's not thrilled with.  His answer is to "wait and see" if the symptoms come back and then do the pict line. So, here I am, back to waiting...

Great time to get back to writing and forget all this garbage.  Tomorrow my writing partner comes over to brainstorm on her book and since I'll be back to normal by then I plan on getting back on track myself.  Today I did the tedious job of going through 1400 emails I've been neglecting to organize and delete.  Good news is I found a request I flagged from an agent for a partial to be sent via snail mail from last month.

I'll get that out this week and hope for the best. I've had another small press ask for my full MS and the agent assistant I've been emailing told me my story is going for a second read with the head honcho (yay!). I also got a request from a NY editor for 100 pages based on my second place win in the RWI contest announced on Friday.  So looks like I'll be waiting on lots of stuff.

In all things in life, isn't it the waiting that just kills you?
C.J.

Now don't get me wrong.  My husband is my hero too - just a different type.  My Dad, though?  His words of wisdom are what has prompted me to go public again with my blog.

I explained everything that has happened the week before the end of the contest to my folks at different times.  To my Mom, when I called her before the Dorchester results came out - to my Dad, after a playoff game - Dallas vs the Chargers (who handed the Cowboys their asses.)  It was good timing on my part.

The first thing he said is to forget about it all.  Don't hide and wonder why.  Accept the fact that I am now a public figure and all that entails.  That it was not important to be "right" when the timing of a bad review was posted publicly, but to embrace the fact that since I'm out there, and so is my book, that I can't ever respond even if I think something smells fishy.

He never questioned my ethics - he knows my ethics - but he did point out that others will not see things as clearly when they only see parts of the pieces and that I since I can't change it I need to rise above and forget it all.  He even brought up the bad publicity quote I already used.  Having anybody talk about me is exactly what I want - and then he told me why.

Back in the late 90's my father started his own company with a partner.  They had a great product and were branching out with a revolutionary concept that used existing technology in an untried way.  Sound familiar? ;-) Their first big client was Fox News. His company was still a very small fish, but the biggest in the pond started bad-mouthing them and saying their product was crap. It got them more clients.  People heard of them and word spread.

He opened up to me in a way he had never before.  I heard about all the ups and downs of his company and the path that eventually led to him no longer owning it and how it is now the most profitable section of a much larger company. I'll spare you the details, but it was a great story and I'm glad he shared it with me.

Lastly, he advised me to not wear my heart on my sleeve in my blog. I'm not sure I can do that because all of this is so very personal to me - I'm not just selling my book, I'm selling me. That's something I've done for years and something I've always done with total honesty. But I will try.

I never sold a mortgage to anyone that they couldn't afford, never rented a unit to someone who couldn't afford it (or had tenants that defaulted and trashed the place) and I never sold a house to someone and had them hate me afterwards.  I'm good at building relationships and to do that well I've always presented myself as me - to do otherwise would have been too much work.

But I will scale down how much of me I put out there.  My friends, who have been in  collective awe at how far I've come in such a short time, are encouraging me to write down all my steps - my successes and my failures as well.  They're convinced that it could help other aspiring writers trying to make it and that I could eventually sell my story.  I'm not so sure I agree, and after a few glasses of wine, I'm more convinced they are letting the wine talk and just saying nice things to me. Time will tell.

What I would like to do is thank that ill-timed reviewer on January 8th.  I've preached everywhere about accepting bad reviews graciously because that is what I've been doing every time someone shit cans my story for the past 9 months.  Her review came at a bad time and I had a knee jerk reaction to it - I took it as a personal attack because of the timing and have been lambasted over the Internet because of my reaction. It doesn't matter if I'm right or not - what matters is my eyes have been opened up.

The flurry of discussion topics and comments like "she's not the human being I thought she was" made me feel horrible - but that's life.  This is a business and I'm in it to win it.  So come read my blog, check out my every move, talk about me online and question my motives without knowing the whole story - go ahead.  All of it means nothing in the long run. Readers are all that matter in this race and I've got 'em - in droves.

I've written a book that some people will hate and a lot more people will love.  It will succeed in this business because of one thing and one thing only - ME. And in the end it may be my unorthodox methods that help the next aspiring writer make it, not taking a back seat as so many more experienced writers do.

You just never know, now do you?

I'm back, baby!
C.J.

Hey guys -

Pete and I talked about it last night and I decided to take my blog off of public access.  The reviewer I accused of poor timing with her review of V V on Goodreads has made it her mission this week to share emails I sent to her, conversations I had with my fellow contestant via email, any other post I ever posted about V V on Goodreads, solicitations for reviewers if they like vampire books to contact me, trash what my opinion of what her coincidentally timed reveiw looked like, and basically call in to question whether or not I have a grasp of ethical behavior.

Since I can't answer any of this hoopla without sounding defensive I've decided I will restrict my blog to feed to my friends here on Facebook.  You guys are really the ones I wrote it for anyway.  I had hoped I could share some of myself and my journey with you so that you might get to know me as a person and I would become real - rather than just a name on a book.

I've been under a huge amount of scrutiny this week - and while I know I can take it in the long run, the short game is incredibly difficult and highly personal. To know that people read what you have to share because they are excited for you and want to be a part of your journey is completely different then knowing people are watching you and happy to twist your words around to make you look bad.

Why is this woman and her blogging buddies doing this? I can't really answer that - in the big picture of books and book writing I'm basically a nobody.  To think my actions - ones I've done right and ones I've done that skirted a line should be held up by strangers whom are happy to think the worst and tell everyone they know honestly never occurred to me.

So while today I find out if I made first or gladly and proudly take home second I feel sad.  What should have been the most exciting time of my career so far has left me feeling flat and empty with the pettiness of others.

Thanks so much for being real people - for watching from the sidelines, for supporting me with votes and comments where you could, for advising me to back out and rise above the hoopla, for not jumping into the fray to have these sharks aimed at you and for helping me see that in the really big scheme of things a handful of angry bloggers will not make or break me - it's readers like you who will.

Here's to hoping today that I do well and win and if by chance I don't - here's to moving on and continuing on this path to getting V V published.  It may be a rocky and sometimes scary path, but I am so grateful I'm not traveling it alone.

Thank you,
C.J.

I'm feeling pretty good today.  Not bad when considering the new meds make me a little sick to my stomach.  Fingers are still numb, but it hasn't been that long yet.  Came really close to bowing out of some moves in yoga because the nausea was bad, but I ignored it and carried on.

And I'm glad I did.  Olga is a terrific woman.  She has this really expanded and welcoming view on all religions (must be her doctorate in theology).  She incorporates so much into the yoga - little bits of wisdom, life lessons and small verses of poetry and verse.

While we were waiting for classmates to arrive she chatted to us about the recent earthquake and her worries for her parents in the Dominican and news about a friend's husband who didn't get a suitable liver transplant in time (the one they found to match turned out to not be viable and then he deteriorated quickly and was not a good candidate for survival when the next one came available) and was taken off life support.  She didn't tell us these things to make us down but to invite us to think of others plights instead of our own and to send some good thoughts out to our fellow man who need it too.

It certainly was an eye opener.  No matter how bad life is - or how bad you think it is - it could always be worse. My heart goes out to the people suffering through the aftermath of the horrendous earthquake, I can't even imagine what it's like - the devastation in the pictures is mind-numbing to say the least.

So I came home, refreshed from class, happy I went and thoughtful as well. I went into my daughter's class to do the last segment on their current creative writing projects. I wasn't feeling up to a class of 8 and 9 year olds, but I went.

This last session was to proof-read and edit their rough drafts and get ready to write their final drafts.  Their stories were hysterical!  The writing prompt was "What if a piece of candy sang famous love songs in a Thanksgiving Parade?"

We had singing peppermints, bubble gum pieces and chocolate bars. They wrote about werewolves, candy eating horses, families running screaming and others gleefully watching the show.  It was more fun than I expected - and more fun than the previous sessions had been.

The idea for me to do this came from a writing web-diva I met in FF&P named Liz, who did the same thing in her daughter's class last year. I wasn't sure I should try to do it.  I wasn't sure what I could teach them - after all there is a reason I don't teach children for a living, I'm sure I couldn't hack it!

We covered basic stuff really - types of stories, punctuation, dialogue, parts of a story (intro, middle and ending) and then they picked a fun writing prompt from a tri-sectioned writing aid for teaching creative writing.  They talked about their ideas for the prompt, collaborated with each other in groups, did outlines and then wrote the rough draft.

I feel slightly drained now after the adrenaline of being in front of a class of kids has worn off.  I don't know how teachers do it day in and day out  - and I stand by what I often say  - they don't get paid nearly enough for how important and difficult their jobs are.

I'll be going back in tomorrow because a few kids didn't get time with me or the teacher to edit their rough drafts and help them understand where paragraphs go.  It will be in between doctor visits - am I crazy for shoving a trip to school in? Nah, it will help me keep my mind off of what the doctors have to say, keep me from thinking about the contest announcement on Friday and make my daughter proud.

Oh - and as a gerbil update - my son has not mentioned the gerbil again.  I'm waiting... I'm sure he will soon and then I'll have to steer him to the realization that no, Midnight is not coming back.

Things took an interesting turn at the doctors yesterday.  He too was unsure if my neuropathy is related to early MS or the Lyme's.  There are risks of blood clots and other things associated with a pict line so he's taking an experimental approach.  He said guinea pig, but in light of yesterday's gerbil death I did not find that reassuring.

I'll be on a new oral antibiotic for two weeks and if the numbness goes away then it can be concluded it is related to Lyme's and then I need to get the pict line installed (following the theory that an IV treatment is more aggressive and effective than an oral one).  But if the signs don't go away then I may be experiencing a stress related relapse of a new mild case of MS.

Come on Lyme's! ;-)  I know in the big picture MS is not that bad.  Lots of people have mild cases and it never progresses past that. It's not Cancer and it won't kill me.  It's just one more autoimmune disease that I can live with, but will make life a bit more challenging at times on a personal level.

The Gerbil saga has some history to it.  Before I address that I've had a whole bunch of new readers lately so I'd like to say Welcome!  Pull up a chair and travel along with an inexperienced writer as she attempts to get a publishing contract. Will she succeed?  Will she fail?  Come along and see!  There's a nifty counter on my site that keeps track of all sorts of fascinating data and since last Friday I went from 19 hits whenever I posted to now well over 60 each day!

Here's to hoping you enjoy what you read - maybe if you're a writer or a friend of one you can find something useful to share with them about what worked for me and what hasn't so far. And if you're researching me for a contest please stop by my personal website at http://www.cjellisson.com or the new blog I'm part of with some talented writers at http://wickedwriters.com.  I'm excited with the new steps I've taken in the past few months and it feels like things are really coming together for me.

Now - on to the gerbil.  Old readers of my blog know about the tragic first day of school here at my house.  So many of you reached out on Facebook laughing and crying with me that day I won't be forgetting it any time soon. In light of that incident and that this is the second gerbil killed in our house my husband and I opted for a white lie.

I told my children when they got home from school that one of the connector tubes on Midnight's cage came off (true, it was on the floor) and that when I came down in the morning the library doors were open (another truth). I told them the gerbil was missing and possibly loose in the house. This may have been true the night before for a time, but obviously, that is where I lied.

My nine year old daughter then goes to the fridge to get a carrot and proceeds to wander through the house calling Midnight's name. I stopped her, explaining that unlike the cat and dogs the small gerbils don't answer when called.  My son looks around the room and his eyes well up as he states "Why is it my gerbils keep getting killed and not my sister's?"

This is where I could have jumped in and told the unvarnished truth - that I found the stiff little body on my antique rug, that the fur was matted with dried saliva (which the first corpse in September never had) but otherwise unmarked, and the dogs won't met my eyes and keep lowering their bodies to the floor whenever they see me. But I didn't.  I had four hours and fifteen minutes of sleep and was not at my best.

I hugged him and explained that the cat was wiley, that he did open the door, but that the door was open wide enough for the dogs to get in too.  I explained that they are predators and they are only following instinct.  I capped my nice little story up with the reiteration that Midnight has been an escape artist for months, that perhaps he was living in the walls but that if he wasn't this was a clear sign that we could NOT ever get another gerbil.

In the end he was accepting and what more can I ask?  The little cage is on the floor with the door wide open in case Midnight gets hungry and finds his way back. Is this over? We'll talk some more when he gets home today and see. Sometimes the truth needs to be doled out to the person hearing it at a pace they can accept, not necessarily at what may be  convenient to the person doling it out.

Off to get my new meds, do some girl scout cookie booth organizing for my service unit and put together some care packages for my nephews in Iraq and Afghanistan - I've been busy and neglecting my post office duties lately but I will catch up this week I promise!

Wishing all of you with gerbils a better week then the gerbils in our house have had!
C.J.

I'm up early today because I've had a rough time sleeping lately - contrary to what some may think, it's not because of the past weekend.  I need to move forward this week and revel in the fact that I've at least made second place in an incredibly grueling contest. No small feat and one that still leaves me shocked and a little shaken.

I've made some new friends and pissed off some people along the way and hey, that's just life. (And par for the course in my life if truth be told.)

The real reason I'm up early and can't sleep (and my dogs playing rough with pent up winter energy at 5:15 didn't help) is because this week starts the rounds of follow-up doctor visits.

Today I visit the infectious disease specialist to follow up on whether or not my Lyme's symptoms have returned. None of them seemed to have except one - the numbness in my fingers and toes.  Will that be enough to make him think I need more treatment?  I feel so much better than I did back in September, granted the stress lately has been crappy, but still so much better.

If the symptoms have returned I'll have to have a pict (sp? or pick?) line inserted in my arm and will have to undergo a self-administered 20-minute IV drip of serious antibiotics each day. The alternative is it's not Lyme's and it's early stages of multiple sclerosis. So while I'm not looking forward to a pict line it's much better than MS.

There is still so much doctors don't know that it's really hard to go to one appointment after another and have them all disagree.  Two say MS and one says no.  If the ID doc today doesn't think it's Lyme's the hematologist doctor suggests to do a second lumbar puncture and read my CSF results again. I'd rather not dwell on that particular hell today so I won't.

I meet with the neurologist again on Thursday as well - here's to hoping my latest MRI's and blood work give him the answers he needs to make a sound diagnosis.  I'm also still waiting for a call back from the hematologist who ran a blood panel to see if I have more than just two auto immune diseases (EE and Celiac's.)

Ahh...and now to address what made my dogs go ape shit at 5:15 this morning.  I cleaned up the evidence before getting my kids up for school but haven't quite figured out how to address the issue.  I let Pete sleep in and I'll have to get his input.  The cat (I think) somehow worked the eye hook off the latch on the library door - and I know it was latched b/c I check it every damn night - and killed my son's gerbil.

I joke about the little mini-rats being annoying, but I never would have wished a death like that on any child's pet - this isn't the wild, it's our home and the pet should have been safe here.  My son hasn't been too enthralled with his gerbil lately but I don't think that will mean he won't be crushed.  I need more coffee to figure out how to solve this one.

This week I plan on exercising, doing some yoga, working on The Hunt and staying off-line as much as I can.

How do I think things will turn out on Friday?  I'm not sure.  All the writers in the contest are talented.  I'm clearly out of my league when it comes to experience with actual years spent writing when compared to all the other writers in the top ten - heck, even from all 21 of the semi-finalists.  I clearly don't have a thick skin yet when it comes to accepting unprofessional behavior. I clearly don't have the connections within the industry and among my peers like most of my competitors do. But I'll get there in time.

What I do have is readers - and I thank every last one of you for being along for the ride. I never knew when I embarked on this distraction last spring that I could have come so far in such a short time. I never could have done it without all of you.  Thank you for reminding me of what is important in life, thank you for helping me to rise above the pettiness I never knew was in store for me so soon, and thank you for picking me up when I'm down. To think I've earned all of this by just sharing my book with you leaves me with tears of gratitude. I look forward to meeting you one day at a book signing so I can thank you in person.

I've certainly come far in these 11 months from typing "Chapter One" -- and I'm glad to have you by my side as I move forward and get my book published. I've said it before but it bears repeating - there would be no book without you.  I'm not some dedicated and driven writer who is pushed by demons in my head to get my words down on paper.  Nope.

I'm just a regular person floundering to make good choices and who sometimes steps wrong - a person with a love of books and Urban Fantasy who had a neat idea in her head. So what are your dreams?  If you dare to dream about writing keep in mind that if I can do it so can you.

May your week be filled with good news, good friends and good food - you'll all be in my thoughts,
C.J.

There have been some new followers to my blog lately. Welcome and Thank you!

Those of you who have been following me for a while (and those of you who catch up on the Fb feed) know that I have a slight tendency I try to manage called OCPD. Obsessive compulsive personality disorder. It is what drives me to do what I do. Day in and day out.

My friends marvel at the organization of things in my house. What they don't see is when I neglect that organization and things start to pile up and I have mini-freaks outs in my house and start yelling at everyone to put their crap away or I'm going to throw it all out. I, of course, am the biggest offender of not putting things away. A fact that is not lost on my family. But I do try.

I'm fascinated with finding or creating a system that works. That doesn't always mean I have the wherewithal to manage said creative systems day in and day out. I control small things around me to balance out the lack of control on larger things in my life. Hey, it sounds simple when you say it like that, right? I know all of this due to a bout with depression a few years back.

I went to a therapist who did a snazzy personality test on me and drew some conclusions based on our sessions and- Viola! It was like the wool was taken off my eyes for the first time in years. It took me a few months to realize that was the best I was going to get out of therapy - someone helping me to see things about myself I previously was unaware of, how to 'deal' with those tendencies, and then get the hell out of therapy. I honestly couldn't see going on and on for years and talking about my ups and downs each week. She told me my problem and how to fix it. Now the ball was in my court to do something about it, so I did.

I am driven. There is no other word that fits me better. I am researching every single avenue I can to succeed with this book and at times I wonder why other writers aren't doing the same.

Before the therapy my husband would lovingly (and sometimes not so lovingly) call me a freak and told me my brain worked different. Anyone who has actually met Pete might say the same thing about him, but I digress. I see things most people don't. I make leaps of logic that are usually dead on - but leave people around me scratching their heads and wondering how I pulled that idea out of my ass. I plan and plot and strategize to the point that I can't sleep.

I am very rarely shocked by a book or movie mystery (and TV is too damn easy to figure out) so I often prefer suspense and adventure. I love reading sex scenes because when you're a married woman it's nice to read sexy material to get ideas for the bedroom (THERE, I said it, brand me with a big RED letter A). Since Pete is pretty damn happy I must be doing something right.

I have a lot in common with the MC character of my book, Vivian. She has the power to do what I dream of - make everyone do exactly as I say. Does that make me an evil person? No, but an honest one. Wouldn't life be simpler if the kids did what I asked the FIRST time I asked? If my husband actually listened when I told him where something was so that NEXT time he'd know? Part of OCPD is thinking I'm right about pretty much everything in life and being a perfectionist.

Doesn't everyone think they are right about something and speak up about it once in a while? I can't be the only one. When I read more about this OCPD thing I was a little put off. The people described seemed like genuine assholes and I was rather upset to be lumped together with them. The therapist went on to inform me that there were extreme cases and slight ones and apparently mine was rather slight.

The personality test revealed some much more important things about me than the "diagnosis" of OCPD - It was determined through a questionaire that I am a "Field Marshall" from the David Keirsey book Please Understand Me II. Reading the section that pertained to an "ENTJ" (again and again b/c it was written for a much more highly educated person than myself) really helped me to come to terms with who I am and why I do what I do.

I forced my husband to take the test and I was SHOCKED to find out her was my perfect and very rare match - a "Healer" an INFP (now what do all these letters mean, you may be asking? pick up the book and check it out, I really am not smart enough to explain it all). He was surprised as well and pleased with what he read about himself - after the disbelief passed.

Okay - I've rambled a bit today. Why is this so important? Why am I bringing it up? Because I think I've gone over board and need to re-focus. I've mentioned in past blog entries that I need to step away - but I haven't been able to do it. I haven't been able to let go of my dream when it seems so close to my grasp. I keep thinking that if I try one more thing, push into another direction that most new authors are afraid to try that it will be the one thing that sets me apart from the pack and I'll make it.

I need to relax. I need to step away from the computer, the discussion forums, the endless marketing and promotion. I need to forget about December 18th looming close and wondering if V V will get knocked out of the Dorchester contest. I need to let go of my manuscript and get it out the door to publishers and advanced readers and just sit back and wait.

I think it's the waiting part that kills me. My whole life if I've wanted something done I just get up and do it myself. People used to come over and comment at things in the house they assumed my husband did - wiring all of our electronic systems and running the surround sound was one. In our last house I even purchased a soldering iron to splice extra long stereo wire together to run under the crawl space in the house rather than have to open up walls (Pete got in the crawl space though, I'll give him that).

Don't get me wrong - my husband is my superman. He does more physical projects around the house than I will ever do. But I'm usually the driving force behind the design and the implementation. People who know us well know that I may be the brains behind most of the projects but he is the executioner - and sometimes he pushes me to design more so he can build it, not that I stand over him with a whip and force him like some casual acquaintances think. He really LOVES to do the stuff. Says that in a job where nothing is tangible (office work) that he gets immense satisfaction from being able to create something with his hands.

I need to re-focus and write. I need to get the pressure off with hunting down a publishing contract and let myself relax. I need to step away from the computer and chill. This will be my last post until next week or maybe a little after. I'll pop in to Fb and let everyone know if V V made fifth place or if it's still in the running for the Dorchester contest, but that is about it. I need to, unfortunately, focus on my health again for a bit and schedule some more doctor visits after the holidays.

What do you need to do? Focus on the important things and let go of the wants for a change. That's what I plan on doing.

C.J.

Wow, as I sit here the day after Thanksgiving, all I can think is WOW. Yesterday started innocently enough - got up, forced my husband to vote for me in the Dorchester fan favorite contest read over the other responses that trickled in...did some math... realized I was losing... and formulated a plan.

So I cheered up, and things got worse.

I've been up and down the past few days. A lot. The delay I had in getting my partial out to an agent I really wanted to impress really left me frantic.

Every have one of those frustrating moments when you wonder about something and then send off an email? Well, I did that this morning before breakfast. I sent an email out to the private reading group I've got for V V. Most of the 285 people I've never heard from, even once.

I figured I'd cut it down a bit, that perhaps they are not really into the book, and maybe it would be best if I just removed some of them. I got some great emails from people. Some reaching out for the first time and some making sure I wasn't going to cut them even though they haven't commented much.

It has been a nice distraction to the horror that has become my morning.

I took my kids to their last swim team practice today, after I sent the email out. The kids were having fun at the pool afterward, so I let them stay a bit. I look up, they are splashing in the shallow end, look again and they are playing a game walking around the pool deck. I should clarify here that the older kids are still having practice and the pool is not officially open yet.

I look up again (all of this is over a ten minute time frame) and see my 6 year old son leaning his head against a big column. He's either crying or playing hide n seek. I look around and don't spot my 8 year old daughter and her friend, so I'm guessing it's hide n seek. Which isn't too smart at the pool. This is a public place.

I tell my son it's time to go, grab our things and head to find his sister. He thinks she's hiding in the men's room.

WHAT?

So not cool, so unsafe. Good god, is she just not thinking?

I call her name. No answer. I go into the men's room and call her name loudly. I go to the ladies room and shout her name. I walk to the front of the entrance by the check in desk and start yelling her name. I race back to the pool and start practically screaming her name. Parents notice me and start to help.

By the way - my voice carries like it's no one's business. I can project in a room like a trained Broadway actor trying to reach the back of the hall. I know there is no way everyone in the damn parking lot hasn't heard me by now. The swimmers are all paused and people are looking at me.

They should be - I'm freakin loud. The babysitter of the other little girl comes walking quickly over and spots my daugther's friend. The friend reports my daughter is out front - where I already checked. Where there are work vans in front of the building and an entire parking lot of cars. I'm so freaked out by this point I have to hold back the tears and the screaming.

My daughter magically appears from the front of the main building onto the pool deck via the life guard station. She's unharmed, and my fear quickly turns to rage. There is no way in HELL that kid didn't hear me yelling. I order her to follow me and that we're going home. I tell her to shut her mouth and not to speak to me. I was so afraid I was going to go postal on her right in front of everyone at the pool.

We're walking home and she unwisely asks, "Are you going to spank me?" I reply no and tell her once again to not speak. I walk a bit and decide to ask her one question to let her stew.

"Did you hear me calling you?"

"Yes." Once she sees my eyes she hastens to change it. "I mean no, not at first." Uh huh, sure.

I quickly fire back, "I already know you heard me. I wanted to see if you'd lie." After all, the whole damn pool and parking lot heard me. Sound carries well on water.

We only live a few hundred yards from the pool, so, of course, she has to push the envelope once more. "Are you going to ground me?" I tell her once again to not speak to me and that when we get home she needs to go to her room. I'm so enraged, I know it is unsafe for me to try talking right now.

We get home, she goes to her room and I call Pete up from his office and start crying. He's shocked at what I tell him and saddened as well.

How can I get my daughter to understand the dangers of what she has done? Leaving a public place without telling me? Not responding to my desperate screams? Hiding in the men's room?

I'll add something here on a personal note. I was almost abducted when I was seven. I had the wherewithal to run when the man tried to grab me and pull me in the car. My daughter will be nine in the fall and I don't think she has that same sense.

I had her write down in a letter to me what she did wrong. She was close. But I'm disappointed to say she blamed her friends and said that she trusted them that she was okay to leave the building (let's not mention in the letter that I didn't even know she was in the main pool building).

This is the same kid who knows she has to tell me if she's heading to the bathroom when we're at the pool. So that I can always watch and make sure she comes back out in a timely fashion and she and her brother are okay (they go together). The same kid who dove to the bottom of the pool over and over again at the end of June until her ear drum was damaged and she ripped it. After, I might add, she was told not to do it by me.

I sat her down after I read her letter and did something I'm not sure was right. I had the birds and the bees talk with her. Stressed the whole love and when your an adult part as much as I could. I went on to explain what rape was and what happens to kids who are abducted. I needed to scare her.

I'm not sure how much has sunk in. Her punishment today is for her to be in her room all day thinking. I sent her cousin and her brother to friends' houses. I'm worn out and feel like I've gone through the ringer. My mom came by to drop off the cousin and even she didn't want a part of this. Just said "no honey, I've been there and it's not fun, " and left me to my own devices.

Now, hours later, my daughter is focusing on her awful punishment and I'm not sure if I've reached her. This parenting thing is so damn hard. We'll talk about this until she is blue in the face and the topic is not just a dead horse, but a decaying pile of bones by the time I'm done.

I truly fear what will happen to her one day. She is not like me. She is very happy go lucky and not the least bit self aware. Add to that a beautiful face, blue-green eyes and blond hair and she could be in some serious trouble when the teen years hit.

For me, being scared at age seven, knowing that the man that tried to take me was wrong made me a different child. 1977 in Falls Church, VA was as a safe place and time, yet I almost became a statistic. Will I be a good enough parent to prevent my daughter from becoming one too?

Okay, I'm crying again, so I'm gonna stop now. Good God, what if I can't get through to her?

Some of you read my status message from Friday and know a bit of this story based on that. BUT, it was so damn funny, it deserves a blog entry.

My family went to Benihana's on Friday night. You know the drill, they seat you at a big table and fill up the whole thing based on when you all arrive. We were there to celebrate my daughter's terrific portrayal of the sun in the second grade musical titled "Nuts". She was very proud and pleased and we let her pick the restaurant.

She knows Benihana is expensive and she knows her brother hates it - and the poor thing was thwarted when she tried to pick it in March when her team got second place during an Odyssey of the Mind tournament. We promised her that this time, no matter where she picked, she would get to go even if her brother didn't like it.

So here we are - eating at Benihana's for my daughter's big night. My voice carries well and I, of course, inform the polite couple at the end of our table what our toast to my daughter is all about. Not that they could give a rat's ass, but they were really nice about it and showed some polite interest. My daughter is excited by the attention and pleased we're there - so the kids had a good night (and yes, my finicky son decided he now likes Benihana's).

I have my typical Japanese rum drink in the souvenir glass, because hey, I like them and I have the ninja and samurai already. Laugh all you want - my son wants me to get a fourth one so we have enough to all have one during dinners at home.

My parents are with us and they seem to be enjoying themselves as much as we are. I am a good mom, I do not mention my book all night. It has been consuming me the past week or so and I have been writing up a storm. I did not want my daughter to be upstaged by me or my book for even a second.

Do I notice that the young hip couple at the end of the table are in the exact demographic for my book? Yes, I do have eyes. But, I refrained.

My dad, on the other hand, the one who told me I made him blush when he read the first TWO chapters, decided to announce to the lovely couple, "My daughter writes Erotic books." I think I almost pee'd myself. I screeched out "Dad!" but of course, the cat was out of the bag now.

Thankfully, the checks had come, my daughter was tired, and if this nice couple now was going to look at me like "she writes porn", I wouldn't have to put up with it for long. I did clarify that I do not write erotic books - that I write urban fantasies with an erotic element in them. Once I said Vampires, they were all ears. Yay!!

Turns out they both love Tru Blood and Twilight, so I was right on my demographic assessment. Lisa (of Lisa and Andy at Benihana's) stopped by the fan page tonight and said hello. Here's to hoping she likes it! If not, well that's okay too.

After all, I got this really cool ceramic Buddha mug with a hole in his back where the rum drink goes. It was a great night!

C.J.
"My daughter writes Erotic books" Damn that is a fine opener!!

I'm never the type to feel down on myself and denial has served me well in my lifetime. That being said, health wise, I had a very real scare last night.

I was diagnosed back in March with EE - I'll try to spell it out, but my spelling is crappy - Eosinophilic Esophagitis. It is basically white blood cells attacking my esophagus and causing it to close with scar tissue. It is triggered primarily by a food allergy, but can be aggravated and made worse by aero-allergens as well.

I'm mildly allergic to some tree pollens, some grasses, some mold, dust and my new kitten. Since the kitten has discovered the joys if the woods, we don't see him much and I survived my last cat for 18 years, so he's not going bye-bye just yet. With all of these vague air allergies, I ignored taking the daily pill and the nasal mist, because, let's face it, I have survived this long without even knowing they existed and I can stand a stuffy nose now and then. I really don't think my air allergies are the problem.

They would not be effecting my digestive tract (the allergists words, not mine), so I must be allergic to a food and I'm unaware of it. Hence all the testing and now the food elimination route.

Well, apparently, the doctor was right. I think. About the aeroallergens making my EE worse.

I never realized how much I ignored in my body until after three years of digestive issues, I one day said 'enough' and went to a doctor. Once the right questions were asked, I realized the difficulty I occasionally had while swallowing could be indicative of something else. I've been ignoring it for so long, assuming I was coming down with something or ate too fast and didn't chew my food enough, that I don't even know how long it's been going on.

The doctor's think it's been years based on the strictures I had in my throat. How can that be? How can I be so totally clueless to my own body? Because denial is easy. It's why I feel pain when I garden and why my back hurts when I'm too sedentary, I've gotten lazy and preoccupied and put my whole family first. Look where it has gotten me - to the drama of last night.

The day was gorgeous and I was in the backyard with my kids and laptop (working on chapter 17!! almost done!!) for over two and half hours. Around six, my husband comes out with a lite beer for me and we discuss what he's going to make on the grill and I'm going to make inside. Two or three swallows into the beer and my throat feels funny, kind of tight. I ignore it, cause that is what I do so well, and go in to make the side dishes.

While I'm cooking I feel it again and start to review everything I've eaten that day. Could it be something I had earlier? I mean, I have a beer almost everyday, so I was sure that couldn't be it.

Over dinner, my throat starts to tighten in waves and it dawns on me by the end of the meal that I'm having an allergic reaction to something. I make a few frantic observations like "Holy crap, I can feel my throat closing," before the first aid training kicks in and I get up from the table to take a Benadryl. I pour out the last half of my beer and switch to water.

It takes two hours, on that full stomach, to get the relief I need, but it's not tightening any worse and Pete and I have had time to discuss what it could be. Perhaps I inhaled enough aeroallergens yesterday in the yard to irritate my EE. I ate nothing out of the ordinary and have not had my elimination food for 2 1/2 weeks (tomato).

Today, I took my allergy pill and used the nasal spray. I'm going to listen and get off the denial train.

I really thought, and the doctor did too, that with chronic diarrhea for three years, the air pollens and such weren't really the culprit. I've always believed less medicine is better in the long run and I hate having to rely on anything. Well, I was scared last night. Almost, "take me to the hospital'' scared.

On one hand, it's a good thing we're not going away this weekend. Pete had too much work and school work to do and he was not his normal laid back self at all yesterday, so we canceled. But what would four days have done to me out in the open air in the woods?

SooOoo... Drama averted and lesson learned. I'll keep you posted on the 'spots' on my lungs and 'possible uterine fibroids' that showed up on my CT scan last week...

It's a joy, right? And now you know why I'm writing the book - to keep my mind off all this crap.

I'm having a group of girl friends over tonight to mark up my first six chapters. I'm hoping they'll have some great suggestions for improvement and flow of the piece. It's like my own private little focus group in the exact demographic the book will be marketed to - and the best part is none of them read this genre.

I'm going to ply them with wine, good food, milano cookies and more wine - should be fun!

On another note, I submitted my guest blog piece for Frightening Journeys - I hope some people from the Page go and check it out when I post the link on Friday. Bethany didn't tear it apart, so apparently it wasn't all bad. I decided to write it on how I started writing this book - title is From Bookclub to Writer.

Got news today that I won third place in an Erotica contest - and to be honest, mine was the most vanilla of the bunch - so I'm shocked and honored it was chosen at all. And I do mean some seriously scary stuff, I have no desire to have that type of tone in my books. Didn't think I was a prude but a woman fisting another woman is not my thing. Okay - moving on from that topic!

Scheduled my CAT scan for next week, wish me luck! Started a new food elimination today - tomatoes. All I can say is thank GOD I'm not allergic to milk. I like my coffee with cream way too much. Bad news is, my throat was closing up on something I ate today. I'm almost hoping it is the strep throat going around the school and I'm wrong that it is something I ate! Think happy thoughts - oh and get back to writing that'll keep my mind off this stuff!

Nothing in the world works as good as avoidance ; )
C.J.

Morning,

My day has just begun and I look back on yesterday and try to decide on where to start for today. Yesterday, I ran some errands - finally sent off a package to a friend, returned my very limited Kindle (and decided to get a Sony eReader), and - what I'm most proud of - did hours of work in the yard.

Did I write? No. Did I struggle with Facebook and trying to add apps and manage my new page? Yes. Did I clean out dead winter growth in my flower beds and manage to have the kids help without killing any new plants? YES!!

We finally had a nice day out of a week of rain and I was not going to waste it inside. Now? The weather is supposed to be better today and I still need to write. I'm not 'stuck' per say, or have writers block or anything like that. I'm experiencing a distracted time in my life and it is sometimes hard to focus!

Best to get hopping - lots to do and I need more coffee!
C.J.