Today is a great day. It's the second day of school and my first day with no antibiotics in five months straight. With any luck, that fourth round of meds will be my final round in my battle against late stage Lyme Disease. YAY!!

Of course, only time will tell. I could be writing here in a few weeks that my symptoms all came crashing back and the doctor is debating on installing a picc line or not. He wasn't too thrilled to hear I was going on a cruise in November and he was disinclined to let me have a picc line while traveling out of the country... but there are lots of variables in play, so I'm going to think positive and live my life like I've beat this damn disease.

My good friend, Karuna, moved back into the country last week and we went to lunch yesterday. It was terrific to see her and kind of wired, in a good way, too. We both said it felt like the two years hadn't existed and it was as if she'd never left. Funny how close friendships can feel that way. She's known about my writing since the beginning and has supported me through emails, voting, facebook comments, and spreading the word however she could. It was incredible to see her as enthusiastic about it as I am.

Ahh... but it keeps leading me back to the inevitable... What to do about my book? I received a rejection from one of the last four publishers that has it, it was a longish kind of rejection - basically saying he liked the two MCs, their relationship & chemistry, and my writing and the premise and setting, but was disappointed the mystery didn't take more center stage.

I've said from the beginning the book is not a mystery, but more of an adventure. Apparently, it crosses so many genres it doesn't fit in any one of them squarely and it leaves the publishers floundering on what to do with it. I'm pretty sure the other publishers are going to reject it too. If they really wanted it we would have heard something by now. Sure, we could start submitting to the smaller houses now, but is it worth it?

And that's the $64,000 question.

Can they do more for me than I can do on my own? With the changes undergoing the publishing industry is it even worth it to take the risk on a smaller house?

Karuna said the same thing a lot of my writing friends have said to me in the past ten months. That I've basically exploded off the page out of nowhere and most writers take years to get to where I am. Not that it was a bad thing, just that it is not usual. She made me feel better about my collapsed friendship with my former writing partner, even pointing out that my surpassing her in our nine months of close association was what could have led to our falling out.

Jealousy is a wasted emotion in my mind. When I start to feel the slightest green-eyed feelings I immediately turn it around and congratulate the person and wish them the best. My time will come someday and in the interim, I'd like to think there is enough good will to go around and I should rejoice that someone else's hard work has paid off.

The erotica venture is going well. Although, due to their crappy "publisher" page, I have no idea how many actual subscribers we have on the Kindle. In addition, it turns out they don't allow periodicals (newspapers, magazines and blogs) to be downloaded anywhere except to the Kindle device. This issue didn't come up for me b/c I have a Kindle. So for any of you who'd like to read some well written erotica, please stop by this direct link and check us out:

http://everythingerotic.wordpress.com/

We've got on-going serials, stand-alone stories and a plethora of other naughty things in store for readers. You can also keep in touch with the site on Facebook and have the latest episodes available to read in the notes section (as a feed):

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Everything-Erotic/144858635539180?v=wall

Today marks the day of a new chapter in my life. I'm antibiotic free and I'm going to go exercise before some shiny object (or email) distracts me and I keep my ass in this chair longer than I should this morning.

Wishing you all a great week,
C.J.

I seem to have an issues with excesses lately. I partied a little too hard this weekend and I'm feeling the effects today, that's for damn sure. Where are my noble desires to eat right, exercise and take care of myself?

I'm discovering, albeit the hard way, that having a chronic illness can really weaken the personal resolutions we have in life. It seems I can juggle family, writing, editing, house, friends, cooking, exercising and various medications - but not all of them at the same time.

I had a great week of exercise (two weeks ago) and then last week was filled with pain. I'm not sure when the weakness in muscles and joints snuck up on me again, for a while there I thought it was from walking and swimming. But last week I started feeling much older than I am. I'm having trouble on the stairs and walking.

Rather than face the issue that my medications aren't working as well, and perhaps I need to do something about it, I found a new drink when Pete and I went out to dinner last week and I cooked up a low-calorie version--and proceeded to drink way too much of it this weekend. It is seriously yummy.

During my sober moments, before drinking started at four p.m. (because hey, let's face it - even when I drink and go overboard I still do so responsibly), Pete and I talked about the picc line option for antibiotics again. I naively thought it cost around two thousand dollars for the whole treatment. Yes, that's a lot of money, but we have insurance and they'll cover most of it.

It turns out, with the hospital visit to install the line, that one month of treatment is around five thousand. Unaware of this price, I told my doctor that we'd pay for my next treatment if the insurance company won't. Apparently, they have no supporting data that a second picc line treatment will do any more good over longer treatments of oral antibiotics, so they don't always approve them. And some people are on a picc line for months.


Which means we may foot the five to ten thousand dollar treatment ourselves. It won't make us destitute, but it puts a damper on most all of our plans for the foreseeable future. We bought Pete's mom a small duplex this winter and our accounts were wiped out from that. We have retirement plans we can borrow from, so we're doing better than most people and I'm certainly not complaining. Just stating facts.

The real irony is, if I don't work my ass off selling my book when it does get a contract, that my meds will wind up costing more than I'll ever make on the book. The book I wrote to distract my self from my illnesses. Isn't that funny?

Most people think authors make a butt load of money on their books - and sure that might happen if you're a NYT bestseller, but that is not the case with most of the books being produced monthly. The may make five to ten grand if they are lucky.


So today, I'm going to go against doctor's order from six or eight weeks ago (seriously, I'd have to read my own damn blog to remember exactly and how freakin sad is that?), when he told me not to do supplements and it was okay to have a drink now and then.  I don't think he was counting on me drinking almost half a litre-sized vodka bottle in 3 days (see? I said it wasn't that bad, but it was bad for me!). I will research the supplements and my current meds to see if any will counteract the antibiotics efficiency, but I have to do something.

The physical issues from Lyme's are making me depressed and pushing me closer to the edge of drinking too much. Which certainly can't be helping me get better. This much I am sure of.

My husband joked this morning when he left for a two-day business trip, "Well, you should be better without me here as a bad influence." And sadly?  He's right. He drinks more than he should and it is really hard to not drink when he is. He also exercises daily, takes vitamins and supplements, ran the freakin NY marathon when he turned 40, and basically takes better care of himself than I do.

I have lots of excuses lately. But, just like most writers when they explain why they're not writing, we can all come up with dozens of reasons to support our actions rather than stop them.

I'm tired. I want to go back to bed. I want to cry because I feel like crap. But I won't. I'm going to get that damn book out on Lyme's, again, read what supplements they recommend, go buy them and start fighting this battle more actively. I obviously can't sit around and wait for this week-to-week roller coaster ride of effectiveness with the medication to rule my life. I can't wait to get better anymore.

I need to be part of the cure.

I'm going to go do some yoga stretches for the first time in weeks. See if I can get some of my muscles to ease up. Then buy several hundred dollars worth of supplements online. As far as "fun" shopping, I don't think it counts.

And if you hear me whimpering with muscle pain, give me swift kick in the ass (don't worry, I'll forget it in a few hours). No one said winning this battle against Lyme's would be easy and I'm just going through a rough patch is all.

C.J.

Normally, I'm a pretty level-headed chick.  I hold no delusions of self-grandeur and I'm grateful for every person that likes my book. I woke up at 6 something on the vague edges of a dream where I received two contract offers in my email. Funny on so many levels.

First, even in my dream the money wasn't a huge amount.  Yes, it was much more than a sharp stick in the eye, and everyone has different idea of what an author makes these days, but let's just say both were in the low five-figure range. Apparently, I even dream in the relatively-realistic range.

Second, my agent would call me.  I doubt very highly she'd email me with news of an offer.  We save email for the rejects ;-)

Third, a contract would not be in an email. I read recently that some big publishers are going back to paper because an agent had hacked their encryption capabilities and changed a legal document. Yikes, and wrong on so many levels I don't even want to begin to touch that with a ten foot pole.

So there it is.  My start to the day. Make of it what you will.

I'm having a great week health wise.  The Herx reaction seems to be dying down and I'm almost symptom free again. I've been exercising and that combined with the meds this seems to be making a HUGE difference in how I feel day to day.

The doctor gave me some good news when we chatted on Monday.  After I relayed my symptoms to him and told him about my fever last week he agreed it was the Herxheimer reaction, which is a very, very good sign in this battle against Lyme. He also told me not to do the supplements b/c he didn't know enough about them and it was crucial I not do anything that could impede the antibiotics from working right now.  He also told me the occasional glass of wine (which I don't drink) or chocolate bar would probably be fine too.

YAY!!

He dismissed the caffeine comment so I'm drinking my 3 cups of 1/2 caf a day again. He agreed that perhaps the recommendations suggested in the book were for patients who were generally in very poor health (due to the disease) and that perhaps their doctors put them on this regimen because they needed to improve their overall health significantly just to fight the bacteria.  I'm just thrilled I'll be able to enjoy some of the Hershey's chocolate, have a gluten free beer, and coffee while on vacation. Heck - maybe I'll have all three in one day!

It truly is amazing how being sick can make you look at every aspect of your life completely different. Yes, yes, I'm not dying, we know that.  Although, the more I learn of Lyme's the more it sounds like some of the really bad cases wish they were dead.

I'm taking all the advice (thank you!) -- I'm leaving my computer behind on this vacation.  I'm packing at least three books by my favorite authors I've been dying to read.  I'm going to exercise every damn day and sleep well every night. I'm going to enjoy my kids and de-stress. And yes, I'll take pictures.

In so many ways this has been the hardest year of my entire life.  I've pushed myself into an entirely new career as a way to escape what I couldn't change. Thanks to the help of my supporters, I've accomplished more than most new writers do in five years or more. You've all helped me see this dream is real and can really come true. Thank you, again.

Kind of fitting, that the first break I'm allowing myself to have in over a year is a trip to Disney... Where dreams can come true. Isn't that their slogan? Something like that.

I'll miss you guys, but I'll be back and I'll occasionally check email.  So try me there if it's important. Oh - and please stop back by on the Friday for the first installment of Sex Toys on the Sixteenth. I'll be leaving that morning, but will stop by with my trusty email-phone to see what everyone has to say (on here and on Facebook ;-).

Cheers~
C.J.

I'm reassured in my recent reading that I'm not actually going crazy, no, it just feels like I am. Perhaps I thought if I didn't read all the info out there on Lyme I wouldn't worry.  Or I wouldn't be subject to it.  In some cases, learning more about a disease can make you imagine you have all the complex symptoms.

But what do you do when the meds don't seem to work and you feel worse by the day?  You do research.  After all, you can't expect in this day and age that your doctor is the sole source of knowledge or that her/she can hold your hand throughout your entire illness. I'm not even sure if that time ever did exist, but it certainly isn't now, that's for damn sure.

When you work from home and are ill it's amazing how incredibly isolated you become. Your sole source of interaction for days can be your family and your connections online. There are days at a stretch where I live in yoga pants, t-shirts and have my long dirty hair in a pony-tail. But hey, I brush my teeth and now that the picc line is out I bathe more often, I swear.

Believe it or not--which I know this is so hard to believe because I'm so "open" on line -- most of my friends don't know I'm this sick. It's not for lack of caring on their part.  It's me.  I don't mind being the sole source of attention when I'm telling a joke, relaying a funny story, or leading a girl scout meeting, but I don't like being a downer and talking about my health to most people.

Usually, they have to ask or I explain tid-bits when I reach out for help or have to cancel/change plans. But I don't like to talk about it much.  What's the point?  It's depressing and no one can help me get better.  It's something I have to do on my own.

I've been alcohol free since Wednesday, along with no chocolate and greatly reduced amount of caffeine (ONE! cup per day, argh!!), I've started taking more supplements and did well with the forced exercise until the Herxheimer reaction caused a low grade fever on Thursday. The things I'm supposed to do to help this antibiotic do it's job are so damn long I had to make a list.

The main problem is I keep forgetting details.  I've always been a detail-oriented person and list making comes second nature to me.  But they only work if you use them.  I forget where I've put them, forget to check them, and forget pretty much lots of things on them.

I'm torn on what to do when we go to Disney next week.  Part of me wants to write in the evenings and be prepared for down time by bringing my laptop in case the urge hits me.  Another wants to completely relax and do nothing. Which is very, very hard for me to do.

Having my computer helps to focus my mind and keep me sane when the brain fog takes over.  It helps to give me an outlet.  But I'm editing pretty crappy right now and had to stop working on my writing partner's book when I couldn't concentrate.

My hope is the Herx will wear off while I'm gone and after the kids go to bed I can catch up with editing and write if I feel I can handle it.

I've got a lot on my plate this coming week and I plan to work my best to get it all done before our trip.  I can't decide which is worse - all the new dietary restrictions and supplements, the lack of caffeine or the lack of alcohol. Oh, and let's not forget the forced exercise. Whee!

Off to walk the neighborhood with my kids, while I attempt to hold back from yelling too loudly at them when they careen into the street with their bikes, like mad-cap fools hell bent on an early death. Then come back and write my post for Wicked tomorrow, work outside sometime today and then judge a contest entry which is due tomorrow.

Oh - and take my meds. Yay.

C.J.

I can answer that one in regards to Lyme.  It's scary and makes you not sleep at night. I had a mini-freak out on Tuesday when my symptoms seemed to come roaring back.  It shouldn't happen while on meds, right?

Wrong.

I had thought maybe it was an indicator the meds weren't working. After all, my doc said if the meds work orally we have no need to go back to the picc line just yet. So I finally picked up the book my friend, Linda, lent me - Coping with Lyme Disease by Denise Lang.

It's a dense read (which is hard to tackle when experiencing brain fog from Lyme's) and although I looked through it ages ago when she lent it to me I admit I put it down because it was depressing.  Well, my tune has changed.  I need to get better and no matter how scary this stuff sounds in the book, I have to believe I can get through this. And reading what doctors have been figuring out in the past twenty years battling this illness can only be a good thing.

Hard? Yes, but good, nonetheless.

Apparently, on Tuesday I experienced something called the Jarish-Herxheimer Reaction. Basically, it means the meds are working (yay!) and the bacteria is dying, but that the toxins released by the bacteria are flooding my body in such high numbers my system can't get them processed and filtered out fast enough.  And thus the appearance of a relapse of symptoms.

Finding a shred of hope in the pages of the book in regards to this recent problem, led me to continue reading.  And I discovered the whole eating, supplement and exercise section.

Crap.

No alcohol. No caffeine. No drugs. (as in? I'm taking a bunch of prescribed stuff, so I assume they mean recreational? Damn!) Low fat. Lots of veggies. No yeast products. No chocolate (ah, great right after my trip to Hershey? The damn candy is on my bloody desk!). No aged cheeses. No broccoli (huh? no reason given).

Things to add:  Aerobic exercise daily (crap!), and a slew of supplements (freakin kill me now). Some I've heard of, others I haven't.  Some have a two week on, one week off schedule to keep and I can't freakin believe I'm going to have to write this stuff down to keep track of it.

Am I going to do it?

Yes.

Reading through the book I saw they had a different definition of Chronic Lyme's than the one my doctor and I discussed. It covers anyone who is still battling the live bacteria within their body.  Oh, and guess what?  The pesky thing can go dormant for ages and then come back to get you years later--full blown and pervasive again throughout your entire body. WTF?!?

These doctors have studied it for years and have been treating it for over two decades.  I plan on following the advice no matter how damn hard it is. If I sit and wait for this antibiotic treatment to work all on its own, how can I cry foul if it doesn't work and I'm adding to the issue by not doing everything I can to make the medicine work better?

Oh - and there is a whole section about using Deet and other insecticides as preventatives. The CDC and Poison Control Centers recommend this route as safe and effective if the products are used right. Read the directions!!

I plan on using them to treat my family and keep them safe from this disease. I've always been one of those parents who shunned Deet on my kids.  But would I spare them from this when I live in a dangerous area? You betcha.

Looks like I'm off to do some Internet shopping! Gots to get me some supplements and pesticides!

Maybe as a plus I'll drop some poundage from no alcohol, no coffee, no drugs and no chocolate.

Man, it sucks to be me.

C.J.

My visit to the infectious disease specialist went well yesterday.  He decided I should stay on the oral meds for at least one month and we'd revisit the topic at my next appointment (in three weeks). I may have another month of meds after that and then we'd see if I relapsed with symptoms again.  Only then would he suggest another picc line.

I'm torn.  I would rather have it now than in the summer, but I'm not a doctor so I'll defer to his expertise.  He doesn't like the risks associated with the picc line and would rather try this current treatment with the thought that the bacteria multiples slowly (unlike others, like a staph infection) and perhaps there is not a lot left in my system to battle.

Considering how quick my symptoms returned last time I don't think I agree, but I'm game to try anything to get better. He said that as long as the symptoms are gone then the lower dose of meds is working fine.

I edited three chapters yesterday and spent a lot of time with my kids outside. So far, so good.  I think my writing partner is starting to doubt herself and her ability to do this as a long-term career.  She's been working hard lately and I sincerely hope I can convince her this is just a phase she's going through.

We all face this in our lives, in whatever career we pursue.  I think in writing it can be exceptionally hard for some because of the sheer time involved with no pay back.  She's painting an incredible picture with her words and her story is engaging. It's not the urban fantasy genre, like mine, so she wonders what kind of market there is for it.  Only time will tell.

I've helped her with some plot points recently and it helped the whole novel come together for her.  In turn, it has made her doubt if she could do this without me.  I explained this is the nature of writing partners - we're here to point out details, improvements, brain storm, and help when you write yourself into a corner.

I think today I'm going to suggest she open some books on her shelves and read the acknowledgment pages. That's where she'll really see what I mean.  Authors thank editors and agents, sure, but some also thank writing groups, writing partners, critiquers... you name it!

Perhaps it's harder for her because she doesn't have dozens of eyes on her work like I do.  Between her, Pete, my local friends, WDC, and the beta readers on FB, I have at least 100 pairs of eyes on mine before it goes to my agent. I need to get her set up this week on WDC with an account.  I think it will be exactly what she needs. Readers--real people--telling her if they like her work or not.

In the end, that's what will make or break you - your ability to appeal to readers, your ability to pick yourself up when you get a kick to the gut with a harsh crit, and your ability to improve over time.

Today, I'm almost through the first chapter to edit and I have two more to go.  Since I don't have to leave mid-day for a doctor's appointment, I'm hopefully I'll get my edits done on my outline too.

Busy, Busy!!
C.J.

**Oh, and be sure to stop back by mid month for Sex Toys on the Sixteenth!  I've written the post already but plan to add to it a bit over the next week as well ;-)

Wow, have I got a lot on my plate this week. I'm going to try not to whine about it, but figure I could clear my head here for a minute and think of all I have to do to get focused.

Today, over at Wicked, Kerri Nelson blogs with us about short stories. She's doing a book giveaway and we're announcing the start of a new contest - one that we hope will encourage our readers to write and submit their own short stories to be posted for the world to see.

Next -- and most important -- my buddy, is doing a final push to get her work polished this week to start querying next week.  This is so huge for her, I don't think I can properly form it into words without more coffee in my system.  But, this also means I've got to edit fifteen chapters this week, and when you consider I'm pretty damn slow that's at least fifteen to twenty hours of work.

Third, my outline for The Hunt has to get re-written to pass muster for a publisher.  I put it off while my Lyme's symptoms came roaring back, but now that I'm feeling better on the new meds I've got to hop to it and get it done. I'll look at it in between chapters. The hope is by switching from one task to another throughout the day I can not feel bogged down with any one item for two long.

Fourth - I agreed to judge one more entry for the Stroke of Midnight contest offered by an RWA chapter I'm a member of, Passionate Ink. I still don't know why people agree to judge, are giving over a month to do their entries, and then back out at the last second and tell the coordinators "oh sorry, I know they are due tomorrow but I didn't do all five of mine."  Half of the entries I judged were pretty good, and so far this one looks decent, so it shouldn't be that hard - but another 60 to 90 minutes at least.

Fifth - okay this one will have to wait 'til next week I think (or the weekend).  I'm planning another group blog with three writers so far.  I'd like it to have five, so I've got some feelers out and so do the other writers. It's going to be called Write in the Shadows and will be comprised of fantasy & paranormal writers and book reviewers. The launch is May, and I know I can get it done by then. It's more of a back burner project right now.

Oh - and lastly - I have a doctor's appointment today.  We'll be discussing this current antibiotic treatment, how to move forward, and whether or not I'll be getting another picc line in my arm. Yes, it will suck to be in Disney with a picc line, but the alternative is not getting better, so I'll opt for inconvenience. It's absolutely extraordinary the difference being on the medication makes. The side effects suck, but they are much better than the Lyme's symptoms so I'm not complaining too loudly about them.

To round things out on a positive note before I head off into editorial land for the day -- we had a great two days in Hershey!  It was opening weekend, which I did not know, and the park was packed, but the weather was so gorgeous we didn't care.  The camper was fun and the campgrounds had a lot the kids could do. They made new friends, they wandered with walkie-talkies, played in the playground, rode scooters, fell in the stream repeatedly and generally were pretty good kids.

Pete and I relaxed at the site, walked the dogs, read books, had leisurely meals and did not bring our computers.  So huge for me not to bring mine, I can't even begin to describe it. Now that things are heating up on the publisher front I may bring my laptop to Disney so I can write during the evenings, we'll see.

Wishing you all a great week and I will try and post again before the week ends.

C.J.

I started some new meds this weekend for the Lyme's - Ceftin, or it's generic name Cefuroxime Axetil. It's the same one that got me sick in January when we were skiing, so I won't be drinking this week. That's okay, I need to jump start my weight loss again before we go to Disney next month.

Speaking of which, I will probably have a picc line again when we go, but it beats being a queen-sized bitch who needs to nap most of the afternoon while trying to deal with raging headaches that have no end. Oh, and let's not forget stooping over like an old woman while my knees give out walking. And no more crying and thinking my family is a raging pack of idiots sent to drive me insane.

And I'm happy to report the meds have kicked the headache in two days. Yay! The best part is it means the symptoms are clearly from Lyme's and the bacteria has not been beat (over finding out antibiotics no longer work b/c it's Chronic Lyme's and my immune system is shot.)  The vise-like grip on my head is easing and I can deal with the fact that tasting coffee or drinking booze makes me want to hurl. Not a bad side effect really when you previously dreamed of medicating yourself hourly to make the pain stop.

I'm drinking tea and the world seems a little brighter.  Yes, it's raining here this week.  No biggie.  I woke up ready to bounce out of bed today.  Who cares if I'll be spending most of the day on laundry and trying to fix my outline and compose a synopsis on book two?

I feel like I'm almost normal, but don't ask me any detailed questions involving my memory. I still have no idea where some of my everyday knowledge has gone. Oh and damn, I just realized I missed yoga today at 9:30. Crap.

Moving on.  It's not the end of the world. Going to go make some more tea, maybe I just need more caffeine.

Oh -- and hey, I'm thinking about doing a sex toy review every month.  Call it Sex Toys on the Sixteenth or Sextoynth! Wouldn't that be a hoot? Too racy or just damn fun? The first three or four months would be on items mentioned in book one. I thought it could be a fun tie in. What do you think?

C.J.

The past two weeks have been a whirl wind.  The weather is getting better and I've been exercising and working my butt off.  I've polished and re-polished my MS with help until I can't stand looking at it anymore.  The good news is my agent is so kick butt it's already been requested by thirteen NY publishers!

Whoot!

Reality check: Do I honestly think I'm going to get a ton of offfers?  No, but one and not thirteen rejections would really, really be cool. Kristin had me hustle and do all the "next steps" so I'd be ready if/when a call comes in.  Full marketing plan, outline of book two, five polished chapters of book two, two-page descriptions of book three and four, and I think that's it, but I don't remember... my brain is mush.

On top of it all, my Lyme's symptoms may be coming back.  I don't want to think negative thoughts and hey, it could just be stress, so I'll wait a bit more before I start crying in my beer.  I'm tired but can't sleep, feel cranky because of it, and am quick to anger.  Two days in a row I tried to nap in the afternoon when I felt like I couldn't work anymore. My head hurts from 1 p.m. 'til bedtime and what I thought might be triggering them (an overuse of Advil when I was on the IV meds) may not be the case. Some numbness and tingling started in my left hand again... but it's not as bad as it was before.  So that's good, right?

Could all be stress and the change of seasons.  We've had such a hard winter and sometimes the barometric pressure changes associated with weather fronts can do a number on migraine sufferers like me, so I'm hoping that's where the headaches are from.

I met some friends this week for lunch to celebrate a birthday in the group and one of the attendees has been diagnosed with Chronic Lyme's. Interestingly enough, she has been treated for two years with Lyme's and only got pointed in the right direction when she went to my infectious disease specialist.  He broke the news to her that she no longer has the Lyme's bacteria in her system and she is unfortunately suffering an auto-immune disease triggered by exposure to Lyme's (wrongly called Chronic Lyme's b/c it has no name).

She was advised to go see a hematologist and a neurologist (both of which I've seen the past few months) in the hopes that they can help her with a plan on what to do about the Lyme's-like symptoms she's suffering from.  Usually steroids of some form are used to treat various auto-immune diseases to suppress your body's over reaction. But I have no idea what they do to treat Chronic Lyme's.  Looks like I know what I'll be researching on webmd next. ;-)

I'm curious to see how her journey goes and will be keeping in touch with her to find out (it was our first time meeting this week, even though we had heard of each other through the birthday girl).  My heart goes out to her and to others like her that are suffering the effects of this disease even after treatment.  There is so much we don't know, and last year I was one of the dozens who scoffed "What's the big deal?  Can't you take a pill and it goes away?"

What are the chances that I may wind up like her?  With two auto immune diseases already and a doctor that says "get ready for more as you age," it's more like what are the chances I won't wind up like her.  I live in Loudoun County, Virginia.  The epi-center of Lyme's disease in the nation right now. When I lived in Jersey, where Lyme's was big in the 80's, there weren't as many cases around me as there are now.  Ten people (that I know of) on my street alone have it.

In Jersey they just hunted the damn deer to control the ticks (and, of course, to prevent the deer from starving in the winter).  I don't know what's going on here that makes hunting such a un-PC topic.  Bambi lovers, please don't write to me in outrage.  I love nature too, but you'd be singing a different tune if your child had to get a picc line in their arm to battle a disease from a bug bite they got in their back yard. And if you weren't outraged by the fact that the local media talks about it very rarely so as to not affect the attractiveness of "the richest county in the America" during a recession, then your priorities differ from mine and we'll leave it at that.

Oh -- and here's the sucky part.  You can get Lyme's again after you are cleared of the bacteria.  All you need is to be bitten by another infected tick and have them convey the bacteria to you in a bite.

If I do wind up a chronic case I will gladly be a guinea pig for the doctors with my auto-immune disease-riddled system.  I won't let this damn thing beat me, not by a long shot.  I'll try diets and herbs, exercise and steroid suppression treatments - anything!  But I won't give up.  Doing so is too scary to contemplate.  Maybe I'll become a little mannish from the steroids (we joked about it at lunch), or maybe I'll slim down and get muscular... like some female super hero... uh yeah, keep dreaming.

Life's not perfect.  I've got so much goodness in my life right now with my family, my home, our lives and this bright shiny un-known future with my first book.  I've gone up against writers who've been at it for years with loads more experience and education to get where I am.  Me!  Little 'ol can't-have-concentrated-sulfites-or-gluten-Lyme's-infected me.

Hell, if I can do it, so can you.  Don't hold back. Spring is a time of re-birth.  Get off your ass and live life to it's fullest.

You want to be healthy?  Stop eating processed crap and eat fruits, veggies and lean meats.  It will take time.  Food is not a reward, living a long life is.

You want to lose weight?  Get up an go for a walk, every step counts.

You want to write a book?  Start by writing one hour a day, every damn day, no matter what.

This is all stuff we know, right?  The difference is doing it.

Let me start by scarfing down some fruit and yogurt for lunch.

Who's with me?

C.J.

I had a really informative session with my infectious disease specialist yesterday and I wanted to write everything down before I forgot it all. If you know of someone who has suffered from Lyme's, please pass this blog post on to them because I learned some things that I have so far not read anywhere else.

1) Lyme's is a bacteria, which is common knowledge, but it is unique in that this bacteria cannot be cultured easily.  In comparison the Strep bacteria when taken from a throat culture will grow overnight in a petri dish quite easily. Lyme's will not thrive outside of the host, which makes developing a cure incredibly challenging.

2) I found out in my research, when I was first diagnosed, that there was an approved vaccine used a while back that was pulled from the shelves.  Interestingly enough, there is a Lyme's vaccine for dogs used right now, but not one for humans.  The doctor clarified yesterday for me some info on the human vaccine, which was pulled from production when 1 to 2% of the recipients reported Lyme-like symptoms. An important distinction here needs to be made-- the vaccine never contained the live bacteria.  These symptom sufferers, when tested, did not test positive for Lyme's antibodies and did not have the bacteria in their body ever.

3) The Lyme's tests are very confusing.  The tests actually confirm whether or not your immune system has sent out antibodies to battle the bacteria - not on whether or not you have the bacteria present.  No subsequent blood test helps determine if the bacteria is still in your body.  The only way the doctors know the bacteria is present is to prescribe antibiotics when the symptoms occur and if the symptoms go away then the bacteria is present and alive within you.  The drugs will not work if you have Lyme's-like symptoms, like the people who received the vaccine, or the unfortunate ones who are labeled with "Chronic Lyme's".

4) What did those vaccine recipients get if it wasn't Lyme's and what is Chronic Lyme's?  The risk inherent in any vaccine, that does not use a live bacteria, is not that the person will contract the disease, which is impossible, it is that their immune system will over-react to the vaccine.  In what was an attempt to encourage a body into developing antibodies against a future attack from the bacteria has in essence triggered an adverse response in your auto-immune system and caused it to go over board and attack your body. Which is why I will never be allowed to get another flu shot or TB booster for the rest of my life (not because of Lyme's, but because my immune system is already "off" with Celiac's and EE)

Chronic Lyme's is actually not Lyme's disease anymore.  It has morphed into a condition that involves the patient's immune system - and the improperly named "Chronic Lyme's" confuses the sufferer into thinking more antibiotics will help rectify the problem, when it will not.

5) If a patient gets better on the antibiotics they do not have the above described auto immune response going on, they truly have the bacteria still in their body and they could be battling it for a while.  Constant antibiotics is not the answer, though.  A body needs a break to ensure no damage is done to internal organs and no new horrible possibly permanent conditions develop because of the over-use of antibiotics.

There are lots of opinions on what is the best treatment and your doctor may tell you different info from what I have outlined above.  There is so much conflicting information and so much still to learn, my best advice is to not let one doctor be the sole deciding factor in your treatment.  Learn as much as you can and be your own best advocate.

6) What happens if you have an auto-immune disease already and then get Lyme's?  That's the boat I'm in right now.  My latest IV treatment has proven successful in that I no longer am suffering the physical attributes of Lyme's, which are usually the first ones to show up.  The neurological symptoms that show up later are also the last to leave, so it will be months before I'm back to my old self mentally and even then, there are some people that are permanently damaged mentally and will never be 100% again.

I could unfortunately fall into the category of no longer having the live bacteria in my blood, but into the one that has my immune system fight a triggered over-reactive response to the invader that was in my body.  Only time will tell and I'm optimistic that this last treatment will be the trick.  I plan to start fresh on Monday with exercise and getting back on track with my health and my life.

No matter the outcome if you are a Lyme's victim that is cured in a treatment or two or struggle with it for years - please know you are never alone.  There are support groups you can find online with a simple search and no matter what, you cannot let this disease beat you.  The power of your own mind and strength of a positive attitude can never be discounted.

To survive and to thrive is a simple decision.  One you must make and never doubt the outcome.  The hand of life you are dealt may not be the one you would choose, but no matter what cards you are holding, the decision on how to play them is always yours.

Wishing any of you out there that suffer from this the best of luck.  You may have a long road ahead of you, but you can do it!  Don't ever give up.

C.J.

I am so ready for this freakin illness to pass.  I sit here at the computer with tears in my eyes and an emotional wreck.  I just read the heartbreaking story of the Canadian ice skater whose mother died right after her arrival to watch her daughter skate in the Olympics.  Just heartbreaking!

And how did I start my day with my daughter?  Yelling at her. TV shouldn't be on before school (the kids have been getting up on their own early and sneaking down to watch it before school, a practice started with the extra week+ off from school with the back-to-back blizzards).  She should have packed her backpack and emptied her lunch bag - yesterday!  She should have not left her crap all over the floor so her brother wouldn't trip on it all and smash his knee. She should not shove her dirty clothes from Sunday in a corner of the hallway behind an antique chair and think it's OK. She should have handed her signed report card back in and trusted me ("But mom, the envelope's empty!" "No it is not, it has the signed slip in there just like the directions told me to do!!").  She should have her karate equipment bag and uniform ready - weren't theses all things she told me she did last night? She should have shut her bedroom door because of the gerbil cage (the cat is looking to kill the last one, a fact she is well aware of and refuses to give the gerbil to a safer home).

I feel like some days there is no getting through to her.  I know she's testing me.  I know this too shall pass.  I know I'm emotional and angry because of the Lyme's (because it's too early for PMS ;-).  I know my memory is shot and my brain is spotty - but that doesn't make it any easier. I'm quick to anger, quick to yell and my patience is non-existent.

Who is this monster that yelled at her kids from almost the second she got up until the second they went out the door - barely catching the school bus in time because apparently toothbrushing time is time to make fart noises, chat, make funny faces in the mirror, spit with exaggerated noises and generally drive mom fucking crazy.

Pete is on a business trip, and while that is not an odd occurrence and this trip is short, he is the buffer between me and the kids when I'm on edge like this.

Ahh...here come the tears again... that poor skater.  Worked her whole life with her mother by her side cheering her on - to lose her from a massive heart attack two days before she is to compete in the Olympics.

I hate being sick.  I hate being weak.  I hate how what I can't see can effect my day to day life in such a devastating way. The tubes in my arm suck and I miss my baths.  I shower twice a week now due to the ordeal of wrapping my arm in plastic and worrying about exposing the dressing to water and it sucks.

Where will my relationship with my daughter be in a few years? Will she be a teenager and hate me? The kids talk about me like I'm some mean monster who makes them do things they hate and yet as a parent my job is to teach them the skills they need to become a responsible adult who can contribute to society - not be their buddy.  We'll be their buddies when they are 24 and living on their own, right?

I want to hug my daughter now and say I'm sorry.  I tapped her on the check to today - I can't say smacked because that is not what I did.  I didn't leave a mark and I didn't do it hard.  It was calm and deliberate.  I held her face in both my hands and then pulled one back and gave her a light tap on the cheek. I even told her I was going to do it.  I told her she had to snap out of the world she's in and start to be aware - to think  - to act responsibly - to act her age.

She, of course, burst in to tears and said I hit her. I calmly explained that if I had hit her she'd be on the floor and that a hit usually leaves a mark behind. I explained that I did it to get through to her - to embarrass her - and then I talked to her about how I hate the fact that yelling and humiliation seems to be the only things that get through to her.  I made an impression all right.  But was it the right one?

I'm not one of those parents that thinks a child should never be spanked - and there is a hug difference between spanking and hitting and if you don't know that then YOU need serious help.  But at age 9, my daughter hasn't been spanked in years. Spanking in our house was brought on by deliberate acts to hurt someone else (meaning when at age five she put both legs together and donkey kicked her three-year-old brother in the stomach and launched him across the room in front of me because he was bothering her) or when they do something that could potential be life-threatening to themselves (like when they are three and run into the road - they may not understand the fear of cars, but they will understand the fear of spanking for doing it).

So here I am... sitting in front of the computer.  Off to a crappy start to a crappy day.  I'm going to log off and get done all the things I've been putting off.  Try to get my head on straight and shake this fog of anger and tears associated with the Lyme's. The doctor told me it would be months before I was back to normal and that's IF the meds work this time. I've got ten more days of the IV drip and while I would have said last week I was doing great, it's pretty apparent today that's not the deal.

I am such a controlled and rational person that I can't stand what this freaking disease is doing to me. My behavior has spiraled out of control and I need to give myself a timeout. I'm going to step back from the computer for a few days.  I'm never down and I'm never out.  This is just a set back and I'll bounce back.  I need to get my priorities straight and reconnect with my kids.

Oh - and if you read this - try not to judge me too harshly.  Walk a mile in my three-diseases-in one-year shoes and then we'll talk.

Let's all cheer on that skater from Canada tonight.  While I have a chance to fix things with my kids and get my life firmly back on track, that young woman will forever have her dream of the olympics tainted by the loss of her mother.  She's a brave and strong young woman and competing is exactly what her mother would have wanted her to do.

Off to dry my eyes and give my self the kick in the pants I need.  Lyme's disease will not defeat me and it will not destroy my family.  Messed up autoimmune system that seems to be buckling under some stupid tick bacteria aside, I simply will not allow it.

C.J.

It's been a long week for me. I'm sure most of us feel that way by the time Friday rolls around, eh? Unfortunately, shortly after the doctor cut my new antibiotics the Lyme's symptoms came roaring back (which is what happens when it's not been a long enough time on antibiotics).

I've been on a mission to lose weight and get healthy this year.  The first goal has been given a jump start by me cutting down severely on my love of gluten free beer and a mixed drink of cranberry, seltzer with a shot of vodka (does that have a bar name? I'm pretty dumb on that stuff.)

The second goal I started with lining up more doctor visits.  Those are never fun - but finding out the problem is the Lyme's and not MS is worth it. The new medication did the trick.  The neuropathy in my hands and feet went away in a week of taking the new treatment.

Alas, cutting back on drinking to consume less calories left me un-prepared on our ski weekend away when I had four or five drinks the first night.  Alcohol tolerance doesn't diminish in matter of weeks - it wasn't like I got drunk as a skunk when consuming them over a seven hour period of time.

But I was certainly sick as a dog the next day - all damn day.  I missed skiing and everyone had a blast.  I was finally able to keep water down by Saturday night by 6:15.
We watched Paranormal Activity.  Sleeping on and off all day long while recovering from the side effect of the antibiotics ensured I didn't sleep much that night, so it's nice I had a horror movie as my last images before going to bed and attempting to sleep.

The next day was tubing!  I got up and felt much better but still shaky and weak.  My son didn't want to go tubing and I was not up to par so I stayed at the tubing lodge with him while everyone else went. But a lot of the kids were only up for one time going down so I had human contact and got to talk to everyone and take pictures - MUCH better than Saturday.

Overall, I was glad we went.  My kids got to try a new sport, and enjoyed it.  My husband got to get back to a sport he loves.  We went with two other families and it was our first group getaway with children involved - and we all had a good time (you know, except for the puking).

I came home convinced it was the alcohol and not the drugs and maybe I'd just had some bad luck.  I took the meds again last before bed (I didn't brave them the rest of the weekend) and was sick first thing this morning (I haven't had any alcohol in two days, and don't think I will be having anymore for a quite a while).  Good thing is now we know it's the drugs!

Doctor said don't take anymore and now we play the waiting game. The pict line is the option to go, but it apparently has some risk of complications he's not thrilled with.  His answer is to "wait and see" if the symptoms come back and then do the pict line. So, here I am, back to waiting...

Great time to get back to writing and forget all this garbage.  Tomorrow my writing partner comes over to brainstorm on her book and since I'll be back to normal by then I plan on getting back on track myself.  Today I did the tedious job of going through 1400 emails I've been neglecting to organize and delete.  Good news is I found a request I flagged from an agent for a partial to be sent via snail mail from last month.

I'll get that out this week and hope for the best. I've had another small press ask for my full MS and the agent assistant I've been emailing told me my story is going for a second read with the head honcho (yay!). I also got a request from a NY editor for 100 pages based on my second place win in the RWI contest announced on Friday.  So looks like I'll be waiting on lots of stuff.

In all things in life, isn't it the waiting that just kills you?
C.J.

Things took an interesting turn at the doctors yesterday.  He too was unsure if my neuropathy is related to early MS or the Lyme's.  There are risks of blood clots and other things associated with a pict line so he's taking an experimental approach.  He said guinea pig, but in light of yesterday's gerbil death I did not find that reassuring.

I'll be on a new oral antibiotic for two weeks and if the numbness goes away then it can be concluded it is related to Lyme's and then I need to get the pict line installed (following the theory that an IV treatment is more aggressive and effective than an oral one).  But if the signs don't go away then I may be experiencing a stress related relapse of a new mild case of MS.

Come on Lyme's! ;-)  I know in the big picture MS is not that bad.  Lots of people have mild cases and it never progresses past that. It's not Cancer and it won't kill me.  It's just one more autoimmune disease that I can live with, but will make life a bit more challenging at times on a personal level.

The Gerbil saga has some history to it.  Before I address that I've had a whole bunch of new readers lately so I'd like to say Welcome!  Pull up a chair and travel along with an inexperienced writer as she attempts to get a publishing contract. Will she succeed?  Will she fail?  Come along and see!  There's a nifty counter on my site that keeps track of all sorts of fascinating data and since last Friday I went from 19 hits whenever I posted to now well over 60 each day!

Here's to hoping you enjoy what you read - maybe if you're a writer or a friend of one you can find something useful to share with them about what worked for me and what hasn't so far. And if you're researching me for a contest please stop by my personal website at http://www.cjellisson.com or the new blog I'm part of with some talented writers at http://wickedwriters.com.  I'm excited with the new steps I've taken in the past few months and it feels like things are really coming together for me.

Now - on to the gerbil.  Old readers of my blog know about the tragic first day of school here at my house.  So many of you reached out on Facebook laughing and crying with me that day I won't be forgetting it any time soon. In light of that incident and that this is the second gerbil killed in our house my husband and I opted for a white lie.

I told my children when they got home from school that one of the connector tubes on Midnight's cage came off (true, it was on the floor) and that when I came down in the morning the library doors were open (another truth). I told them the gerbil was missing and possibly loose in the house. This may have been true the night before for a time, but obviously, that is where I lied.

My nine year old daughter then goes to the fridge to get a carrot and proceeds to wander through the house calling Midnight's name. I stopped her, explaining that unlike the cat and dogs the small gerbils don't answer when called.  My son looks around the room and his eyes well up as he states "Why is it my gerbils keep getting killed and not my sister's?"

This is where I could have jumped in and told the unvarnished truth - that I found the stiff little body on my antique rug, that the fur was matted with dried saliva (which the first corpse in September never had) but otherwise unmarked, and the dogs won't met my eyes and keep lowering their bodies to the floor whenever they see me. But I didn't.  I had four hours and fifteen minutes of sleep and was not at my best.

I hugged him and explained that the cat was wiley, that he did open the door, but that the door was open wide enough for the dogs to get in too.  I explained that they are predators and they are only following instinct.  I capped my nice little story up with the reiteration that Midnight has been an escape artist for months, that perhaps he was living in the walls but that if he wasn't this was a clear sign that we could NOT ever get another gerbil.

In the end he was accepting and what more can I ask?  The little cage is on the floor with the door wide open in case Midnight gets hungry and finds his way back. Is this over? We'll talk some more when he gets home today and see. Sometimes the truth needs to be doled out to the person hearing it at a pace they can accept, not necessarily at what may be  convenient to the person doling it out.

Off to get my new meds, do some girl scout cookie booth organizing for my service unit and put together some care packages for my nephews in Iraq and Afghanistan - I've been busy and neglecting my post office duties lately but I will catch up this week I promise!

Wishing all of you with gerbils a better week then the gerbils in our house have had!
C.J.

I'm up early today because I've had a rough time sleeping lately - contrary to what some may think, it's not because of the past weekend.  I need to move forward this week and revel in the fact that I've at least made second place in an incredibly grueling contest. No small feat and one that still leaves me shocked and a little shaken.

I've made some new friends and pissed off some people along the way and hey, that's just life. (And par for the course in my life if truth be told.)

The real reason I'm up early and can't sleep (and my dogs playing rough with pent up winter energy at 5:15 didn't help) is because this week starts the rounds of follow-up doctor visits.

Today I visit the infectious disease specialist to follow up on whether or not my Lyme's symptoms have returned. None of them seemed to have except one - the numbness in my fingers and toes.  Will that be enough to make him think I need more treatment?  I feel so much better than I did back in September, granted the stress lately has been crappy, but still so much better.

If the symptoms have returned I'll have to have a pict (sp? or pick?) line inserted in my arm and will have to undergo a self-administered 20-minute IV drip of serious antibiotics each day. The alternative is it's not Lyme's and it's early stages of multiple sclerosis. So while I'm not looking forward to a pict line it's much better than MS.

There is still so much doctors don't know that it's really hard to go to one appointment after another and have them all disagree.  Two say MS and one says no.  If the ID doc today doesn't think it's Lyme's the hematologist doctor suggests to do a second lumbar puncture and read my CSF results again. I'd rather not dwell on that particular hell today so I won't.

I meet with the neurologist again on Thursday as well - here's to hoping my latest MRI's and blood work give him the answers he needs to make a sound diagnosis.  I'm also still waiting for a call back from the hematologist who ran a blood panel to see if I have more than just two auto immune diseases (EE and Celiac's.)

Ahh...and now to address what made my dogs go ape shit at 5:15 this morning.  I cleaned up the evidence before getting my kids up for school but haven't quite figured out how to address the issue.  I let Pete sleep in and I'll have to get his input.  The cat (I think) somehow worked the eye hook off the latch on the library door - and I know it was latched b/c I check it every damn night - and killed my son's gerbil.

I joke about the little mini-rats being annoying, but I never would have wished a death like that on any child's pet - this isn't the wild, it's our home and the pet should have been safe here.  My son hasn't been too enthralled with his gerbil lately but I don't think that will mean he won't be crushed.  I need more coffee to figure out how to solve this one.

This week I plan on exercising, doing some yoga, working on The Hunt and staying off-line as much as I can.

How do I think things will turn out on Friday?  I'm not sure.  All the writers in the contest are talented.  I'm clearly out of my league when it comes to experience with actual years spent writing when compared to all the other writers in the top ten - heck, even from all 21 of the semi-finalists.  I clearly don't have a thick skin yet when it comes to accepting unprofessional behavior. I clearly don't have the connections within the industry and among my peers like most of my competitors do. But I'll get there in time.

What I do have is readers - and I thank every last one of you for being along for the ride. I never knew when I embarked on this distraction last spring that I could have come so far in such a short time. I never could have done it without all of you.  Thank you for reminding me of what is important in life, thank you for helping me to rise above the pettiness I never knew was in store for me so soon, and thank you for picking me up when I'm down. To think I've earned all of this by just sharing my book with you leaves me with tears of gratitude. I look forward to meeting you one day at a book signing so I can thank you in person.

I've certainly come far in these 11 months from typing "Chapter One" -- and I'm glad to have you by my side as I move forward and get my book published. I've said it before but it bears repeating - there would be no book without you.  I'm not some dedicated and driven writer who is pushed by demons in my head to get my words down on paper.  Nope.

I'm just a regular person floundering to make good choices and who sometimes steps wrong - a person with a love of books and Urban Fantasy who had a neat idea in her head. So what are your dreams?  If you dare to dream about writing keep in mind that if I can do it so can you.

May your week be filled with good news, good friends and good food - you'll all be in my thoughts,
C.J.

On Sunday I was so low - not knowing how this Dorchester top ten finalist deal was going to pan out - especially after I received the rejection from them last Friday from another department. Sunday night I get the news that I've finaled in a different contest and an editor from a different NY publisher will be judging it. Whoot!

Today is a day of nothing for me. It started out really great. My husband let me sleep in for the first time in I don't know when. I should clarify - we both hate getting up at 6:40 for the early day with the kids and well... misery does love company.