Hangover Monday Reality Check
Mon, Jun 14 2010 08:50
| Health, Personal, Lyme's disease
| Permalink
I seem to have an issues with excesses lately. I partied a little too hard this weekend and I'm feeling the effects today, that's for damn sure. Where are my noble desires to eat right, exercise and take care of myself?
I'm discovering, albeit the hard way, that having a chronic illness can really weaken the personal resolutions we have in life. It seems I can juggle family, writing, editing, house, friends, cooking, exercising and various medications - but not all of them at the same time.
I had a great week of exercise (two weeks ago) and then last week was filled with pain. I'm not sure when the weakness in muscles and joints snuck up on me again, for a while there I thought it was from walking and swimming. But last week I started feeling much older than I am. I'm having trouble on the stairs and walking.
Rather than face the issue that my medications aren't working as well, and perhaps I need to do something about it, I found a new drink when Pete and I went out to dinner last week and I cooked up a low-calorie version--and proceeded to drink way too much of it this weekend. It is seriously yummy.
During my sober moments, before drinking started at four p.m. (because hey, let's face it - even when I drink and go overboard I still do so responsibly), Pete and I talked about the picc line option for antibiotics again. I naively thought it cost around two thousand dollars for the whole treatment. Yes, that's a lot of money, but we have insurance and they'll cover most of it.
It turns out, with the hospital visit to install the line, that one month of treatment is around five thousand. Unaware of this price, I told my doctor that we'd pay for my next treatment if the insurance company won't. Apparently, they have no supporting data that a second picc line treatment will do any more good over longer treatments of oral antibiotics, so they don't always approve them. And some people are on a picc line for months.
Which means we may foot the five to ten thousand dollar treatment ourselves. It won't make us destitute, but it puts a damper on most all of our plans for the foreseeable future. We bought Pete's mom a small duplex this winter and our accounts were wiped out from that. We have retirement plans we can borrow from, so we're doing better than most people and I'm certainly not complaining. Just stating facts.
The real irony is, if I don't work my ass off selling my book when it does get a contract, that my meds will wind up costing more than I'll ever make on the book. The book I wrote to distract my self from my illnesses. Isn't that funny?
Most people think authors make a butt load of money on their books - and sure that might happen if you're a NYT bestseller, but that is not the case with most of the books being produced monthly. The may make five to ten grand if they are lucky.
So today, I'm going to go against doctor's order from six or eight weeks ago (seriously, I'd have to read my own damn blog to remember exactly and how freakin sad is that?), when he told me not to do supplements and it was okay to have a drink now and then. I don't think he was counting on me drinking almost half a litre-sized vodka bottle in 3 days (see? I said it wasn't that bad, but it was bad for me!). I will research the supplements and my current meds to see if any will counteract the antibiotics efficiency, but I have to do something.
The physical issues from Lyme's are making me depressed and pushing me closer to the edge of drinking too much. Which certainly can't be helping me get better. This much I am sure of.
My husband joked this morning when he left for a two-day business trip, "Well, you should be better without me here as a bad influence." And sadly? He's right. He drinks more than he should and it is really hard to not drink when he is. He also exercises daily, takes vitamins and supplements, ran the freakin NY marathon when he turned 40, and basically takes better care of himself than I do.
I have lots of excuses lately. But, just like most writers when they explain why they're not writing, we can all come up with dozens of reasons to support our actions rather than stop them.
I'm tired. I want to go back to bed. I want to cry because I feel like crap. But I won't. I'm going to get that damn book out on Lyme's, again, read what supplements they recommend, go buy them and start fighting this battle more actively. I obviously can't sit around and wait for this week-to-week roller coaster ride of effectiveness with the medication to rule my life. I can't wait to get better anymore.
I need to be part of the cure.
I'm going to go do some yoga stretches for the first time in weeks. See if I can get some of my muscles to ease up. Then buy several hundred dollars worth of supplements online. As far as "fun" shopping, I don't think it counts.
And if you hear me whimpering with muscle pain, give me swift kick in the ass (don't worry, I'll forget it in a few hours). No one said winning this battle against Lyme's would be easy and I'm just going through a rough patch is all.
C.J.
I'm discovering, albeit the hard way, that having a chronic illness can really weaken the personal resolutions we have in life. It seems I can juggle family, writing, editing, house, friends, cooking, exercising and various medications - but not all of them at the same time.
I had a great week of exercise (two weeks ago) and then last week was filled with pain. I'm not sure when the weakness in muscles and joints snuck up on me again, for a while there I thought it was from walking and swimming. But last week I started feeling much older than I am. I'm having trouble on the stairs and walking.
Rather than face the issue that my medications aren't working as well, and perhaps I need to do something about it, I found a new drink when Pete and I went out to dinner last week and I cooked up a low-calorie version--and proceeded to drink way too much of it this weekend. It is seriously yummy.
During my sober moments, before drinking started at four p.m. (because hey, let's face it - even when I drink and go overboard I still do so responsibly), Pete and I talked about the picc line option for antibiotics again. I naively thought it cost around two thousand dollars for the whole treatment. Yes, that's a lot of money, but we have insurance and they'll cover most of it.
It turns out, with the hospital visit to install the line, that one month of treatment is around five thousand. Unaware of this price, I told my doctor that we'd pay for my next treatment if the insurance company won't. Apparently, they have no supporting data that a second picc line treatment will do any more good over longer treatments of oral antibiotics, so they don't always approve them. And some people are on a picc line for months.
Which means we may foot the five to ten thousand dollar treatment ourselves. It won't make us destitute, but it puts a damper on most all of our plans for the foreseeable future. We bought Pete's mom a small duplex this winter and our accounts were wiped out from that. We have retirement plans we can borrow from, so we're doing better than most people and I'm certainly not complaining. Just stating facts.
The real irony is, if I don't work my ass off selling my book when it does get a contract, that my meds will wind up costing more than I'll ever make on the book. The book I wrote to distract my self from my illnesses. Isn't that funny?
Most people think authors make a butt load of money on their books - and sure that might happen if you're a NYT bestseller, but that is not the case with most of the books being produced monthly. The may make five to ten grand if they are lucky.
So today, I'm going to go against doctor's order from six or eight weeks ago (seriously, I'd have to read my own damn blog to remember exactly and how freakin sad is that?), when he told me not to do supplements and it was okay to have a drink now and then. I don't think he was counting on me drinking almost half a litre-sized vodka bottle in 3 days (see? I said it wasn't that bad, but it was bad for me!). I will research the supplements and my current meds to see if any will counteract the antibiotics efficiency, but I have to do something.
The physical issues from Lyme's are making me depressed and pushing me closer to the edge of drinking too much. Which certainly can't be helping me get better. This much I am sure of.
My husband joked this morning when he left for a two-day business trip, "Well, you should be better without me here as a bad influence." And sadly? He's right. He drinks more than he should and it is really hard to not drink when he is. He also exercises daily, takes vitamins and supplements, ran the freakin NY marathon when he turned 40, and basically takes better care of himself than I do.
I have lots of excuses lately. But, just like most writers when they explain why they're not writing, we can all come up with dozens of reasons to support our actions rather than stop them.
I'm tired. I want to go back to bed. I want to cry because I feel like crap. But I won't. I'm going to get that damn book out on Lyme's, again, read what supplements they recommend, go buy them and start fighting this battle more actively. I obviously can't sit around and wait for this week-to-week roller coaster ride of effectiveness with the medication to rule my life. I can't wait to get better anymore.
I need to be part of the cure.
I'm going to go do some yoga stretches for the first time in weeks. See if I can get some of my muscles to ease up. Then buy several hundred dollars worth of supplements online. As far as "fun" shopping, I don't think it counts.
And if you hear me whimpering with muscle pain, give me swift kick in the ass (don't worry, I'll forget it in a few hours). No one said winning this battle against Lyme's would be easy and I'm just going through a rough patch is all.
C.J.
Comments (3)
Facts on Lyme's Disease
Sat, Mar 6 2010 12:09
| Health, Lyme's disease
| Permalink
I had a really informative session with my infectious disease specialist yesterday and I wanted to write everything down before I forgot it all. If you know of someone who has suffered from Lyme's, please pass this blog post on to them because I learned some things that I have so far not read anywhere else.
1) Lyme's is a bacteria, which is common knowledge, but it is unique in that this bacteria cannot be cultured easily. In comparison the Strep bacteria when taken from a throat culture will grow overnight in a petri dish quite easily. Lyme's will not thrive outside of the host, which makes developing a cure incredibly challenging.
2) I found out in my research, when I was first diagnosed, that there was an approved vaccine used a while back that was pulled from the shelves. Interestingly enough, there is a Lyme's vaccine for dogs used right now, but not one for humans. The doctor clarified yesterday for me some info on the human vaccine, which was pulled from production when 1 to 2% of the recipients reported Lyme-like symptoms. An important distinction here needs to be made-- the vaccine never contained the live bacteria. These symptom sufferers, when tested, did not test positive for Lyme's antibodies and did not have the bacteria in their body ever.
3) The Lyme's tests are very confusing. The tests actually confirm whether or not your immune system has sent out antibodies to battle the bacteria - not on whether or not you have the bacteria present. No subsequent blood test helps determine if the bacteria is still in your body. The only way the doctors know the bacteria is present is to prescribe antibiotics when the symptoms occur and if the symptoms go away then the bacteria is present and alive within you. The drugs will not work if you have Lyme's-like symptoms, like the people who received the vaccine, or the unfortunate ones who are labeled with "Chronic Lyme's".
4) What did those vaccine recipients get if it wasn't Lyme's and what is Chronic Lyme's? The risk inherent in any vaccine, that does not use a live bacteria, is not that the person will contract the disease, which is impossible, it is that their immune system will over-react to the vaccine. In what was an attempt to encourage a body into developing antibodies against a future attack from the bacteria has in essence triggered an adverse response in your auto-immune system and caused it to go over board and attack your body. Which is why I will never be allowed to get another flu shot or TB booster for the rest of my life (not because of Lyme's, but because my immune system is already "off" with Celiac's and EE)
Chronic Lyme's is actually not Lyme's disease anymore. It has morphed into a condition that involves the patient's immune system - and the improperly named "Chronic Lyme's" confuses the sufferer into thinking more antibiotics will help rectify the problem, when it will not.
5) If a patient gets better on the antibiotics they do not have the above described auto immune response going on, they truly have the bacteria still in their body and they could be battling it for a while. Constant antibiotics is not the answer, though. A body needs a break to ensure no damage is done to internal organs and no new horrible possibly permanent conditions develop because of the over-use of antibiotics.
There are lots of opinions on what is the best treatment and your doctor may tell you different info from what I have outlined above. There is so much conflicting information and so much still to learn, my best advice is to not let one doctor be the sole deciding factor in your treatment. Learn as much as you can and be your own best advocate.
6) What happens if you have an auto-immune disease already and then get Lyme's? That's the boat I'm in right now. My latest IV treatment has proven successful in that I no longer am suffering the physical attributes of Lyme's, which are usually the first ones to show up. The neurological symptoms that show up later are also the last to leave, so it will be months before I'm back to my old self mentally and even then, there are some people that are permanently damaged mentally and will never be 100% again.
I could unfortunately fall into the category of no longer having the live bacteria in my blood, but into the one that has my immune system fight a triggered over-reactive response to the invader that was in my body. Only time will tell and I'm optimistic that this last treatment will be the trick. I plan to start fresh on Monday with exercise and getting back on track with my health and my life.
No matter the outcome if you are a Lyme's victim that is cured in a treatment or two or struggle with it for years - please know you are never alone. There are support groups you can find online with a simple search and no matter what, you cannot let this disease beat you. The power of your own mind and strength of a positive attitude can never be discounted.
To survive and to thrive is a simple decision. One you must make and never doubt the outcome. The hand of life you are dealt may not be the one you would choose, but no matter what cards you are holding, the decision on how to play them is always yours.
Wishing any of you out there that suffer from this the best of luck. You may have a long road ahead of you, but you can do it! Don't ever give up.
C.J.
1) Lyme's is a bacteria, which is common knowledge, but it is unique in that this bacteria cannot be cultured easily. In comparison the Strep bacteria when taken from a throat culture will grow overnight in a petri dish quite easily. Lyme's will not thrive outside of the host, which makes developing a cure incredibly challenging.
2) I found out in my research, when I was first diagnosed, that there was an approved vaccine used a while back that was pulled from the shelves. Interestingly enough, there is a Lyme's vaccine for dogs used right now, but not one for humans. The doctor clarified yesterday for me some info on the human vaccine, which was pulled from production when 1 to 2% of the recipients reported Lyme-like symptoms. An important distinction here needs to be made-- the vaccine never contained the live bacteria. These symptom sufferers, when tested, did not test positive for Lyme's antibodies and did not have the bacteria in their body ever.
3) The Lyme's tests are very confusing. The tests actually confirm whether or not your immune system has sent out antibodies to battle the bacteria - not on whether or not you have the bacteria present. No subsequent blood test helps determine if the bacteria is still in your body. The only way the doctors know the bacteria is present is to prescribe antibiotics when the symptoms occur and if the symptoms go away then the bacteria is present and alive within you. The drugs will not work if you have Lyme's-like symptoms, like the people who received the vaccine, or the unfortunate ones who are labeled with "Chronic Lyme's".
4) What did those vaccine recipients get if it wasn't Lyme's and what is Chronic Lyme's? The risk inherent in any vaccine, that does not use a live bacteria, is not that the person will contract the disease, which is impossible, it is that their immune system will over-react to the vaccine. In what was an attempt to encourage a body into developing antibodies against a future attack from the bacteria has in essence triggered an adverse response in your auto-immune system and caused it to go over board and attack your body. Which is why I will never be allowed to get another flu shot or TB booster for the rest of my life (not because of Lyme's, but because my immune system is already "off" with Celiac's and EE)
Chronic Lyme's is actually not Lyme's disease anymore. It has morphed into a condition that involves the patient's immune system - and the improperly named "Chronic Lyme's" confuses the sufferer into thinking more antibiotics will help rectify the problem, when it will not.
5) If a patient gets better on the antibiotics they do not have the above described auto immune response going on, they truly have the bacteria still in their body and they could be battling it for a while. Constant antibiotics is not the answer, though. A body needs a break to ensure no damage is done to internal organs and no new horrible possibly permanent conditions develop because of the over-use of antibiotics.
There are lots of opinions on what is the best treatment and your doctor may tell you different info from what I have outlined above. There is so much conflicting information and so much still to learn, my best advice is to not let one doctor be the sole deciding factor in your treatment. Learn as much as you can and be your own best advocate.
6) What happens if you have an auto-immune disease already and then get Lyme's? That's the boat I'm in right now. My latest IV treatment has proven successful in that I no longer am suffering the physical attributes of Lyme's, which are usually the first ones to show up. The neurological symptoms that show up later are also the last to leave, so it will be months before I'm back to my old self mentally and even then, there are some people that are permanently damaged mentally and will never be 100% again.
I could unfortunately fall into the category of no longer having the live bacteria in my blood, but into the one that has my immune system fight a triggered over-reactive response to the invader that was in my body. Only time will tell and I'm optimistic that this last treatment will be the trick. I plan to start fresh on Monday with exercise and getting back on track with my health and my life.
No matter the outcome if you are a Lyme's victim that is cured in a treatment or two or struggle with it for years - please know you are never alone. There are support groups you can find online with a simple search and no matter what, you cannot let this disease beat you. The power of your own mind and strength of a positive attitude can never be discounted.
To survive and to thrive is a simple decision. One you must make and never doubt the outcome. The hand of life you are dealt may not be the one you would choose, but no matter what cards you are holding, the decision on how to play them is always yours.
Wishing any of you out there that suffer from this the best of luck. You may have a long road ahead of you, but you can do it! Don't ever give up.
C.J.
Comments (1)
Reflections on 2009
New Year's Eve - the last day of 2009. Today marks the end of a year that has brought me many changes. I'm glad to see this year go and yet at the same time my life has been irrevocably changed by it as well.
My health and medical issues had me on a roller coaster ride on a month to month basis and I'm happy to say I have more answers than I did one year ago. In January I was diagnosed with EE (Eosinophilic Eosphagitis) and then spent the next six months figuring out what was triggering the allergic reaction that causes my throat to spasm shut.
In June it was discovered I had Celiac's disease and that Gluten was the main allergen in my life along with high concentrations of sulfites (do I mention the pineapple I can no longer eat and the other various air allergens? They're minor so, I'll spare you).
Right when I get the hang of balancing all the things I can't eat and learning how to live happily with what I can, I'm dealt another blow - Lyme's Disease. Aggressive testing to determine if I had neurological damage led to the discovery I may have MS (Multiple Sclerosis). Two months of heavy antibiotics and more testing I'd like to ignore have left the specialists divided - some say early MS some say they don't think so.
Time and more tests is the answer they preach - and I'm exhausted just thinking about it. Now I'm in the waiting game to see if signs of Lyme's come back and I need an IV pict line next month with more antibiotics. I'm on the side of "no" and things will be fine. So that's my current belief and I'm sticking to it while trying to pay attention to my body and read the signs.
Ahh... but the year has had lots of good too...
I wrote a book. Not about my journey with testing and stuff - that would be depressing and who'd want to read that crap? I wrote a fiction book and I'm proud to say it's worthy of being read.
That is the journey my close friends encourage me to write about. How did I write a book in under five months, while garnering a fan base? I wish it was an easy answer, but it's not. Since I'm not collecting a paycheck right now the only person who can see the hours I pour into this endeavor on a daily basis is my husband, Pete.
I work eight to ten hours a day on every conceivable aspect of getting my book published by a real publisher. I've been approached by vanity presses, investigated self-publishing options and even had a few e-book publishers asking if I'd be interested. If I can't get an agent or a publisher interested by next fall then I will seriously consider them - but not quite yet.
I started writing in February '09 with no formal training and nothing but a good idea and a fun premise. I posted my work on facebook because I had not read any first person present tense books in my genre and wasn't sure if it would fly with readers. The joy and inspiration I've found from those supporters is amazing. They believed in my book even before I truly did. Hands down - the smartest thing I've done all year.
Next smartest thing was joining writing guilds and getting formal critiques of my work. I got a TON of faceless critiques from critiquing sites and then ones from fellow writers with actual names later (writing.com uses user ID's so I didn't know who anyone was). Literally, hundreds of short and long critiques of my opening seven chapters. One really good thing it did was thicken my skin.
Most every piece of writing advice I've read talks about not taking it personal when someone doesn't like what you've written - to distance yourself from the harsh words and to try to glean something from them to improve your piece. But I don't always agree with that. Everyone is a critique. And lots of people will hate your work.
One thing my art background has taught me that I find translates well to writing is one simple fact: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Yes, I can edit passages and improve word flow - and learn how to use punctuation correctly. To me those are small things. But each person who looks at any piece has a different set of experiences that has brought them to this point in their life. Writing is a personal art - and art is subjective.
The biggest difference between a sculpture and a book is you can constantly tweak the manuscript based on your ever increasing knowledge in the medium. The only way to improve upon the sculpture is to re-do it entirely. And trust me - that's what a lot of artists do. They will cast the same piece over and over again, they will re-draw pages a dozen or more times, they will re-paint sections of a painting if they think they can do it seamlessly.
But what about art that cannot be re-done? Like a mosaic or a marble carving? You must then live with the mistakes. I've created art that I could point out every fault to the observer when I was done with it. Sure, once I spotted the errors for them they could see them too - but they would usually tell me to let it go - to stop and accept the beauty I had created.
Writing is not like that. Not only does everyone like to tell you what you've done wrong and how you can improve it - they usually sound like they know what they hell they are talking about when they do so.
So to new writers out there I warn you - listen to advice, but don't lose your voice in the process. And if you are not sure what your voice is - go back and re-read and re-work your writing till you do. You need to know yourself before you ask another artist to judge your work.
I've digressed a bit, sorry. I was thinking about my year and what the whole journey has been like. It has been magical. I've made mistakes and I've learned from them. I've made leaps and bounds where most of my fellow writers told me not to do something or it was wrong.
I think in today's market a publisher is going to want a writer like me. Someone who clearly has a strong marketing plan and is executing it before they even sign me. A writer that has a fresh voice only because she hasn't been schooled into not listening to it yet. A business woman who hit the proverbial glass ceiling in the banking industry at the age of 25.
If I can sell this book in under two years while writing the second and third books then maybe I will document the exact plan I used to get there. My friends are pushing me to teach at a college and/or offer a writing course to other writers.
I don't think I'm nearly ready for that yet - I'm still in the grasshopper stage - but maybe next year at this time I'll be singing a different tune. What have I truly done that is different than other writers?
I have followed excellent writing and career advice as outlined in numerous books written by famous writers. I've made up some stuff along the way and tried it out. I've planned a detailed attack and that plan evolves as more battlefield knowledge trickles in.
In essence, I have become the Field Marshall my personality test claims me to be. Will I succeed in the skirmish and emerge victorious or will I just be able to look back on this whole experience and say "I gave it my best"?
Either way - I'll count myself as a winner. Most writers never make it this far and 98% of would-be-novelists never even finish a book.
I'm looking forward to this New Year and all it holds. May each of you work hard to achieve your dreams in life and may you revel in the success of that hard work before next year's end. No one's dreams are handed to them - the dreamer must work to make them happen.
Wishing you a safe and happy evening with friends and family tonight,
C.J.
My health and medical issues had me on a roller coaster ride on a month to month basis and I'm happy to say I have more answers than I did one year ago. In January I was diagnosed with EE (Eosinophilic Eosphagitis) and then spent the next six months figuring out what was triggering the allergic reaction that causes my throat to spasm shut.
In June it was discovered I had Celiac's disease and that Gluten was the main allergen in my life along with high concentrations of sulfites (do I mention the pineapple I can no longer eat and the other various air allergens? They're minor so, I'll spare you).
Right when I get the hang of balancing all the things I can't eat and learning how to live happily with what I can, I'm dealt another blow - Lyme's Disease. Aggressive testing to determine if I had neurological damage led to the discovery I may have MS (Multiple Sclerosis). Two months of heavy antibiotics and more testing I'd like to ignore have left the specialists divided - some say early MS some say they don't think so.
Time and more tests is the answer they preach - and I'm exhausted just thinking about it. Now I'm in the waiting game to see if signs of Lyme's come back and I need an IV pict line next month with more antibiotics. I'm on the side of "no" and things will be fine. So that's my current belief and I'm sticking to it while trying to pay attention to my body and read the signs.
Ahh... but the year has had lots of good too...
I wrote a book. Not about my journey with testing and stuff - that would be depressing and who'd want to read that crap? I wrote a fiction book and I'm proud to say it's worthy of being read.
That is the journey my close friends encourage me to write about. How did I write a book in under five months, while garnering a fan base? I wish it was an easy answer, but it's not. Since I'm not collecting a paycheck right now the only person who can see the hours I pour into this endeavor on a daily basis is my husband, Pete.
I work eight to ten hours a day on every conceivable aspect of getting my book published by a real publisher. I've been approached by vanity presses, investigated self-publishing options and even had a few e-book publishers asking if I'd be interested. If I can't get an agent or a publisher interested by next fall then I will seriously consider them - but not quite yet.
I started writing in February '09 with no formal training and nothing but a good idea and a fun premise. I posted my work on facebook because I had not read any first person present tense books in my genre and wasn't sure if it would fly with readers. The joy and inspiration I've found from those supporters is amazing. They believed in my book even before I truly did. Hands down - the smartest thing I've done all year.
Next smartest thing was joining writing guilds and getting formal critiques of my work. I got a TON of faceless critiques from critiquing sites and then ones from fellow writers with actual names later (writing.com uses user ID's so I didn't know who anyone was). Literally, hundreds of short and long critiques of my opening seven chapters. One really good thing it did was thicken my skin.
Most every piece of writing advice I've read talks about not taking it personal when someone doesn't like what you've written - to distance yourself from the harsh words and to try to glean something from them to improve your piece. But I don't always agree with that. Everyone is a critique. And lots of people will hate your work.
One thing my art background has taught me that I find translates well to writing is one simple fact: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Yes, I can edit passages and improve word flow - and learn how to use punctuation correctly. To me those are small things. But each person who looks at any piece has a different set of experiences that has brought them to this point in their life. Writing is a personal art - and art is subjective.
The biggest difference between a sculpture and a book is you can constantly tweak the manuscript based on your ever increasing knowledge in the medium. The only way to improve upon the sculpture is to re-do it entirely. And trust me - that's what a lot of artists do. They will cast the same piece over and over again, they will re-draw pages a dozen or more times, they will re-paint sections of a painting if they think they can do it seamlessly.
But what about art that cannot be re-done? Like a mosaic or a marble carving? You must then live with the mistakes. I've created art that I could point out every fault to the observer when I was done with it. Sure, once I spotted the errors for them they could see them too - but they would usually tell me to let it go - to stop and accept the beauty I had created.
Writing is not like that. Not only does everyone like to tell you what you've done wrong and how you can improve it - they usually sound like they know what they hell they are talking about when they do so.
So to new writers out there I warn you - listen to advice, but don't lose your voice in the process. And if you are not sure what your voice is - go back and re-read and re-work your writing till you do. You need to know yourself before you ask another artist to judge your work.
I've digressed a bit, sorry. I was thinking about my year and what the whole journey has been like. It has been magical. I've made mistakes and I've learned from them. I've made leaps and bounds where most of my fellow writers told me not to do something or it was wrong.
I think in today's market a publisher is going to want a writer like me. Someone who clearly has a strong marketing plan and is executing it before they even sign me. A writer that has a fresh voice only because she hasn't been schooled into not listening to it yet. A business woman who hit the proverbial glass ceiling in the banking industry at the age of 25.
If I can sell this book in under two years while writing the second and third books then maybe I will document the exact plan I used to get there. My friends are pushing me to teach at a college and/or offer a writing course to other writers.
I don't think I'm nearly ready for that yet - I'm still in the grasshopper stage - but maybe next year at this time I'll be singing a different tune. What have I truly done that is different than other writers?
I have followed excellent writing and career advice as outlined in numerous books written by famous writers. I've made up some stuff along the way and tried it out. I've planned a detailed attack and that plan evolves as more battlefield knowledge trickles in.
In essence, I have become the Field Marshall my personality test claims me to be. Will I succeed in the skirmish and emerge victorious or will I just be able to look back on this whole experience and say "I gave it my best"?
Either way - I'll count myself as a winner. Most writers never make it this far and 98% of would-be-novelists never even finish a book.
I'm looking forward to this New Year and all it holds. May each of you work hard to achieve your dreams in life and may you revel in the success of that hard work before next year's end. No one's dreams are handed to them - the dreamer must work to make them happen.
Wishing you a safe and happy evening with friends and family tonight,
C.J.
Comments (4)
Hump Day
Wed, Dec 2 2009 10:29
| Health, Career, Dorchester
| Permalink
Lots and lots of thoughts whirling in the noggin today. I won't find out till Dec 4th for certain, but I'm pretty sure V V won fan favorite for the Dorchester contest. Exciting!!! But I'm not going to celebrate till I know for sure.
The good news is I've got a bunch of friends going out that night for a girls night out and a delayed birthday gathering for me. We're going for sushi and a live cover band with dancing and shots afterwards. Should be a blast!
I've started to seriously crack down and look for an agent - two rejections so far and one that asked for the full MS. Not bad for two days work. Here's to hoping the agent can read fast and doesn't mind that I'm submitting to publishers this Friday before being officially represented by anyone.
I figured it could take months to find someone interested in representing me and I shouldn't wait around because it could never happen. Secondary option is if I can't get someone to represent me before a publisher shows interest I'll hire an intellectual property lawyer. They can help me make a wise decision in contract negotiations.
See? I always have a plan. Plan C is the scary and expensive one that will require a ton more work on my part. Here's to hoping I never have to go to Plan C.
Let's see... what else is new... Did my second creative writing class in my daughter's third grade class. That was interesting... Tired to teach the basics of an outline and got the ball rolling on their rough drafts (first class we discussed fiction/non-fiction, POV, dialogue, descriptions, parts of a story and other stuff). We had a writing prompt to work with and I wanted them to understand the intro, middle and end in an outline to put together two to three paragraphs.
Next week we exchange rough drafts, read them out loud and then try to help each other improve them. Then a final draft. The teacher suggested we'd make a little booklet of all the stories at the end of the school year for the class. She thinks it could be a great keepsake. I hope so. I know I would love to have it for my daughter when she gets older.
I know I'm procrastinating when I should be sending out more queries - and start harassing publishers and stuff. I'm just tired. I don't know if it's the way I've been pushing myself, , the stress of the contest, the medications or the Lyme's. I was supposed to go back to the doctor today, but rescheduled for the 14th. I need a break from all the white coats and the tests for a bit.
I've only heard back from one of my final beta readers so far (THANK YOU LINDA!!). Which means the others are really busy or they've decided to do a line by line edit of my polished MS and it's taking them longer than they thought. That would really suck because I have no intentions of doing a week long overhaul on the book right now and they will be getting the suggestions back to me too late for my submissions on Friday.
Come hell or high water, the book is going out Friday. I'm bummed that some places want a hardcopy. The waste of paper and the shipping expenses alone makes me glad most places take electronic submissions.
Anyone ever watch the show Flip this House? or Flip that House? Can't remember which one it is. The show is an hour long and follows companies flipping homes in CT, TX, GA, and CA. There's this one guy, Montelongo, that has this little quote they run in the opening credits for the TX edition.
"This house isn't for the faint of heart and this business isn't for the faint of heart."
It was an episode with a real sh** hole of a house and he was the only one willing to stand inside it without a mask on when they first arrived to scope it out. It was awful.
I kind of feel like that this week in my journey to get published. I know writing is hard. I know writing is solitary. I know in the end my success will be solely hinged on me.
I'm up to it. I plan on riding this bronco till the end.
I think I just need a few days away from the computer, the doctors, the 'maybe' diagnoses, the kids and the stress. Take my husband and steal his clothes all weekend and force him to relax with me as well.
Should we drive somewhere warm in the camper? Should we hole up in a resort with room service? Let me think on it while I plan what to do with my kids and dogs and I'll fill you in later.
Tomorrow will look brighter. I know it.
Comments (1)
What a difference a day makes!
Thu, Nov 19 2009 05:43
| Health, Dorchester, Lyme's disease
| Permalink
On Sunday I was so low - not knowing how this Dorchester top ten finalist deal was going to pan out - especially after I received the rejection from them last Friday from another department. Sunday night I get the news that I've finaled in a different contest and an editor from a different NY publisher will be judging it. Whoot!
Monday dawns bright and clear and I wait on pins and needles all day to see if I'm going to be cut from Dorchester. I've pretty much figured I will be, but I still have a shred of hope. The entire day is spent checking emails or shuttling back and forth to school for various first grade activities and third grade famous American projects.
Imagine my shock when V V got picked by Dorchester to be in the top ten - to say I was flabbergasted when I got home and read the results is putting it mildly. I ran downstairs to tell Pete - 'cause we both work from home. He was on a call. I called my mom - she was thrilled for me. I called my writing buddy who didn't answer the phone (again, damn you!!). I called pretty much anyone who I thought would care. I was seriously on a high - it was amazing.
And then I calmed down read all the info provided and realized the dates had changed for our full submissions. I quickly decided to scrap my attempt at NaNo and figured I'd write book two next month so I could finish my edits. I can't tell you how happy I was that they were almost done and that I learned to write better by the middle of the book.
I pushed through the remaining chapters in two days and sent them off to my fabulous writing buddy -- whom only rarely answers my calls but does copy-edit for me like a banshee. ;-)
Next came the round of doctors appointments - three scheduled for this week. I swear I'm so sick of white coats and waiting rooms that if I never see another one in ten years it will be too soon. My good friend Tre reminded me that lots of people don't have insurance and can't get the treatment they need for medical problems, so I'll stop my string of bitching at the previous comment.
What I can say is that despite all the good news and the highs and lows of the past week I've had some set-backs. My dysfunctional auto-immune system is kicking back up with some unknown allergens and my throat was closing on four separate occasions this week. The medicine for the Lyme's makes me sick some days. I've been told the numbness and the tingling in my left hand could take a year or more to go away.
Oh- and today's oncologist/hematologist requested more tests and brought up the possibility of MS again. It seems like the results from my spinal fluid indicate MS, but other tests are showing I don't have it. Which could mean I'm in the early stages or I don't have it and the results are from Lyme's disease.
One thing that confuses me is this - most people that have the neurological issues I have that get the spinal tap done don't have any indicators of MS if they don't have it - and then the doctor sends them to a specialist that uncovers the Lyme's. It's not normally done like this - where you have Lyme's and they test you for signs of MS as well and then say "no, we don't think you have that" when the results say yeah, you might.
The doctor today was frank and honest. He told me my allergies are getting worse if I've had four bad reactions in a week and I will have to take some daily meds - which seriously isn't bad when you think about it. His big push was that if I don't stay ahead of this and can't self treat with diet that I may go past the throat closing part (it's just my esophagus, I can breathe fine) and graduate to the "I can't breathe" part and then that could be really bad.
The worse part of today's appointment was when he broke the news that I will need a another spinal tap. I swear, it took all I could not to cry. That week of hell on my back with the pain was worse than anything I've had to go through. Dare I compare it to the 35 hour birth of my daughter? Yes, because they gave me lots of drugs then and I was in the hospital.
That second spinal tap will be way down the line - after we get rid of the Lyme's so I'm going to choose to ignore it right now. The memory of last month is too fresh to think about.
He also pointed out if I don't handle all this allergy stuff we're talking another procedure to balloon open my throat again. Ugh. So while I'd like to say today was a good day I'd be hard pressed to say that.
Could it be stress triggering these throat closings and stuff? Could it be excitement? I'd like to say yes, that's it. But I had two flare ups before the rejections even came in last week, so I'm not sure. This whole thing sucks but in the big picture I know I'll be fine. It's not cancer so it could always be worse.
I seriously doubt I could have Celiac's, EE, Lyme's and Multiple Sclerosis in less than one year. I mean, good god, what are the chances? It has got to be related to the Lyme's. I know it.
Okay - let's think about the pluses of my day before I close my journal entry. I had a great editorial experience with the Dorchester editor. She was friendly and supportive and I really think she likes my book. Here's to hoping they like it better than the others, but there are some damn fine writers in the competition so anything goes.
This next month could really be a turning point for me in this brand new writing career. How amazing to be so lucky to be a part of this contest and to have the support of so many people. To think that total strangers like my work enough to reach out and vote for me is truly the biggest thing that's ever happened to me in my life. To be recognized for something that started as a diversion from my health concerns is beyond anything I ever could have imagined.
Thank you.
Hope all of you aren't tired of hearing me beg for votes because I'm sure I'll be doing that next week as well ;-)
Cheers,
C.J.
Bed Rest Sucks
I'm propped up in bed right now - just a bit so my food can digest a little. It's hard to do everything lying on your back ;-)
I'm not going to go on about how crappy recovering from a spinal tap feels - I'll try for short and sweet. If you've ever had a migraine you'll know what I'm talking about. You feel fine lying down but once you move around and get up you get a full blown migraine complete with nausea in less than five minutes.
I can't concentrate long enough to read - which leaves TV. I'm starting to seriously hate TV. How can people choose to sit on their asses all day and watch this crap?
After two colonoscopies, a fluoroscopy, an endoscopy complete with a dilation, a video capsule test, an MRI, a dye injected MRI imagery test for my organs, countless needles, blood tests and several panels of allergy tests (I'm sure I forgot some others, but who cares) I can honestly say this test was the worst. With the others you are okay the next day. This is the test that keeps on giving!
My daughter is home sick with a virus today and Pete's patience started to run out yesterday. He thinks he can multi-task and handle it all but I think he's pushing himself trying to do his job as well as mine. I bet he's going to push himself till he gets sick and that's right when I'll be better, so it will balance out.
I go in to the hospital today for a same day procedure to seal the leak with a blood patch. Like one of those fix-it patches on a leaky tire, except its for spinal fluid and not air.
My friends have been great - I'm an incredibly lucky woman. They've brought me soup and meatballs, lent me books and answered questions, taken my kids on play dates and brought them to parties, written to me on email and posted on Facebook. They've called to commiserate and laughed along with me when I make jokes to lighten the situation.
Things will get better. I know it. It just seems crappy right now, but I know it won't last. It'll take more than this to keep me down for long.
Okay, my head hurts again - back to lying down flat.
C.J.
Comments (1)
A Day of Nothing - my free pass to be lazy today
Thu, Oct 1 2009 10:09
| Health, Lyme's disease
| Permalink
Today is a day of nothing for me. It started out really great. My husband let me sleep in for the first time in I don't know when. I should clarify - we both hate getting up at 6:40 for the early day with the kids and well... misery does love company.
We both get up because it's a big job when your half asleep and we both noticed the other person gets kind of nasty to toward the one that got to sleep in when they finally do get up. Human nature I guess. We let that unspoken rule slide if one of us is sick, has a migraine or got home late from a flight the night before, but normally we both get up.
Pete graciously let me sleep in when I asked - which is huge for the passive-aggressive catholic-raised man -- he excels at the hidden guilt comments.
It felt great and now starts my day of nothing. I'm in my robe still, it's past 10am, and I should probably get dressed soon. It would suck if the doorbell rang and I was still in my robe with unbrushed teeth.
I'm waiting for the hospital to call to set up my appointment for a spinal tap procedure (called a lumbar puncture, nice name, eh?) tomorrow. Yes, another test. It seems like the past year or so I've certainly had my fill of those.
Rather than focus on this new diagnosis of Lyme's disease, or the implications of if it has traveled to my brain already, I think I'll put all that on the back burner for now. And why do they throw out terms like chronic Lyme's sufferer when you haven't even taken the medication yet? Is it to scare you or prepare you? I know there is some concern with my auto-immune diseases that I may not get through this as easily as most, but I think they should withhold some of that info until they know for sure.
Yes, yes, I'm sure it's for insurance purposes, but the mind is a powerful thing and if you don't know the negative you can't imagine it either. Then again, with the ready information on the Internet it's not like I couldn't find out on my own.
I think I'll focus on reading the book I started in the tub last night, getting some laundry done and periodically checking my body for signs of severe side effects to doxycycline.
There are errands to run, grocery shopping that needs to be done, my son's new cub scout uniform that needs to be purchased and a score of other things I'm sure.
I'm having a hard time dealing with all this right now. So I think I'll do what I do best - re-direct and ignore it all.
At least it explains why I had such a hard time concentrating on the edits for my book and maybe it excuses why I couldn't grasp the simplicity of the webdesign software of Joomla. The sample page messed me up, but the rest seemed okay, I think.
I purchased RapidWeaver yesterday - a Mac-friendly program. For $80 it's worth it to have something easier to use than free and difficult. The install of Joomla alone took way, way longer than I care to contemplate right now - FTP root my ass! I'm a writer Jim, not computer guru!
If I ever threaten to kill Pete in his sleep again for whatever he's done that day to piss me off, remind me to read back on this post. He gave me a free pass for the day and said don't worry about anything. He'll shop for the groceries, our son is going to miss his first scout meeting due to a flag football game so we can get the uniform online and that if I wanted to stay in my robe and p.j.'s all day I could. He knows I'm nervous about the spinal tap tomorrow (which he's driving and picking me up for) and he's a gem about it all.
I couldn't have been luckier than to get a husband like him. He's a great guy even if he does drive me to the brink of madness at times. Think how boring my life would be without him to joyously tweak my nose and push me to my limits.
Something to think on: How many of you were aware there was a vaccine for Lyme's available since 1998? Apparently low consumer demand prompted the manufacturer to pull it from the market in 2002. And now the country has an almost epidemic of Lyme's on their hands. I bet a lot of those people who got Lyme's would get the rest of their families vaccinated now if they could. I know I would.
C.J.
Vitamin D Supplements are KICK ASS!
I urge everyone out there to go get your vitamin d levels checked if you've been feeling tired, run down, depressed or any of the other symptoms mentioned on www.webmd.com for a vitamin d deficiency.
In ONE day I felt better from the once-weekly 50,000-unit prescription vitamin D pill. Is that the power of the mind working and possibly psycho-symatic? I have no clue and frankly, I don't give a rats ass if it is!
I took my pill Friday night, not expecting anything or weeks. Saturday we had a HUGE neighborhood party planned with over 160 people coming. Rain was in the forecast and the five main planners of the party were stressing out. We cancelled it and decided to go with the scheduled rain date on Sunday. Good thing too, cause from 2 p.m. on it rained and rained.
Instead, I spent all day Saturday cleaning the garage, shopping for costumes, finishing last minute organizing for the party - that kind of thing. I felt great, but honestly wasn't sure if it was the excitement for the party the next day or what.
The one dull spot on the day was when I discovered my absolute favorite comfort food from childhood contains "modified food starch" a place were some food manufacturers hide flour containing gluten. So, I shed a few tears that I can never eat Bean with Bacon soup from Campbell's again. I have vowed to somehow duplicate the recipe with my master soup making abilities and when I do find a comparable formula I will post it on here.
Pete and I stayed up late on Saturday, and yes, partied a little more than we should - hey, I was feeling the best I had in weeks and I had it coming. Sunday dawns bleary-eyed and overcast and we start to get ready for the party. Lots of water, two coffees and some advil after breakfast and I'm good to go.
We had a kick-butt time at the party and I swear, the day just seemed to fly by. Pete got stumbling, slurring drunk on the German beer, but thankfully didn't pee in any neighbors yards this time on the walk back home (at least I'm guessing he didn't, he was walking with the kids while I was loading the back of the car up with party stuff, and kids would share that kind of funny knowledge the second mom walks in, so I think he was good).
He's been stressed about work and stuff, so I'm not going to bug the guy about it (tease, yes). We all need to cut loose once in a while and as long as he doesn't insult anyone I'm cool with it.
What I wasn't counting on was a complete return to my normal non-sleep habits after such a full day. We started set up for the party at 12. Party started at 2 and ended around 7. Clean up was done by 8 and I had the house to myself after 8:30 (apparently, drunks and children go to bed early).
I watched TV. Read a little bit. Logged onto FB for a while. Wrote a thank you note to my fellow party planners on a job well done and trailed up to bed around 11.
Then it began.
I haven't had a hard time falling asleep in months! I assumed I was past it. You know the type when you can't clear your head and you lie there thinking? I couldn't turn my mind off. But why? I kept counting over my coffee cups from the morning, wondering if I had any hidden caffeine all day long (seriously, they don't put that in gluten-free beer, so I know I'm safe)...debating on if I was pumped from the party or what.
Did I want to seduce my passed-out husband in a bid to get some sleep? Nah, sloppy doesn't cut it when your pushing 40, you know? So, I let him sleep. And damn if he wasn't peaceful!
It took forever for me to fall asleep. 90 minutes stretches into infinity when you listen to your mate blissfully sleeping next to you. Morning comes way too soon at 6:40 to get the kids ready for school.
I'm up. I've got a jump on my day and I'm wondering if tonight will be like old times again while I stare at the wall and listen to the clock tick while trying to soothe my meandering thoughts. To put the kaibash on that I'm going to yoga in a bit and try to get out walking later, perhaps physical exhaustion will force my mind to quiet.
I'm hopeful these supplements will stop all the signs of nerve damage I'm showing, but damn, I'm going to miss falling asleep easy for the first time in years. Who knew it was because I was vitamin D deficient? Or, as my husband keeps telling me, maybe I was hyped up from the party. Time will tell.
Wishing you all a great start to your week. I'm feeling so good I think I'll work my ass off on V V this week. I've put things off long enough. After all, agents and editors can only reject it once and I've sold way too much to know that you don't always close on the first deal quick.
C.J.
Working out kinda sucks, and not in a good way.
I really don't care to work out. I personally believe I should only sweat when I'm naked with my husband. Other than that, it's downright uncomfortable. Sweat dripping down my back, shirt sticking to me, athletic bra holding moisture next to my body creating a feeding ground for some circle pattern on my skin. Ugh...
BUT - there is no doubt in my mind it's necessary. As I get older, and more and more things go wrong with me health wise, the one thing that smacks me in the face repeatedly is my mostly sedentary lifestyle. So to be healthy, that has got to change.
I did 90 minutes of yoga on Monday, with a short walk in the afternoon. Yesterday I walked with my sex-scene proof reader, Tracey, for an hour and discovered I'm apparently a rather slow walker. Man, that woman can move! She has taken up running and is building up slowly. This translates into her gorgeous long legs eating up the distance on the pavement much faster than my shorter ones can follow.
That's not to say I can't walk that fast - but I did find out that trying to carry a conversation at that speed left me gasping! And seriously? If I can't talk for an hour, what the hell is the point of going with a friend? I could be quiet by myself, you know?
I really want pretty toned legs like hers, so I will trudge on. Will I start running? Umm... let's just say that mother nature didn't build me for running. It's rather painful for busty women. No matter how expensive the jog bra is.
Today I have yoga again with Olga. Was anyone more aptly named to teach yoga? It just flows off the tongue - Yoga with Olga. Of course, she calls her practice Aligning with Grace, which is a great name, but I would have gone for the flash. But hey, that's me ;-)
On the health front I did get some news. I have a vitamin D deficiency. Apparently that is becoming more common these days with the increase in sunscreen use. My lack came from Celiac's and not absorbing nutrients well (as my freckles can attest, I do get sun!).
I also had some confusing reading from a glucose test, hopefully I'll learn more on Friday. The internet is good for some things, but my research was rather confusing last night.
I had a two hour test and my one hour measurement was high - 182, but my two hour was okay at 85 (fasting was 95). The info I read makes it sound like the two hour one is the most important, so I'll wait to see what the doctor says. Interesting enough, a vitamin D deficiency can lead to diabetes, so wouldn't it be nice if that was all related?
I had my last appointment with my GI doc yesterday. He's an amazing man and I think I'm going to write him a thank you note. My first GI doc blew me off - after giving me a bad prescription, one that would stop the GI issues but was originally designed to lower my cholesterol (which is already low enough at 142, any lower can cause health problems), a drive-by colonoscopy followed by a "you're fine, learn to live with it" approach. I feel like writing that guy a nasty letter, jerk.
Dr.Crenshaw, on the other hand, listened and never gave up. If he hadn't suggested the allergist and the subsequent elimination diet I never would have discovered I had Celiacs.
Every test they could do said I didn't have it. But facts are facts and once I stopped gluten everything magically cleared up. Everyone asks me if it's hard and don't I miss pizza, bread and everything else. My answer is simple: You'd be amazed what you're willing to forgo to feel better for the first time in YEARS.
Followed by "can you cheat now and then?" No, I will not willing slip. It's not worth it. And the hives are really unattractive (when you've been clean for a long time your body can have a 'normal' reaction like hives to let you know you've eaten something with gluten). That's like asking if you'd knowingly eat contaminated food because it was your favorite and you had to have it. Would that justify days of being sick?
The only down spot in yesterday's test results was the doctor telling me that more than likely the vitamin deficiency combined with the high one hour reading for the glucose test may not be the culprit for my tingling, nor would it be Lyme Disease (as one friend suggested I get tested for).
Apparently, nerve damage with diabetes and Lyme's is a later effect. Meaning you'd have to be diabetic for years for this to manifest and have Lyme's for years (and it's highly rare to have no Lyme's disease symptoms and then get the final stage ones after years of having it). BUT - it would explain the tired and achiness I've ignored for so long- I mean, come on, wouldn't you have thought it was tied to everything ELSE?
So, the end decision was made to keep my MRI appt (a two hour double test, can you say yippie?) for tomorrow and the neurologist appt for next week. I'm going to request the Lyme disease test from my primary care doctor on Friday when we meet to discuss my other test results (why can't they just call you? I wait this waiting crap!).
Oh - and today I'll go out and buy some vitamin D supplements. Is it any wonder I haven't finished editing my book yet? I officially don't like editing now. Okay, I never did. How does My writing partner make it look so damn easy? Must be that damn journalism degree and years of doing it professionally. Witch.
Some days I just want to stay in bed and enjoy the peace of sleep a little bit longer. My husband won't let me and joyously drags my ass out of bed with his at 6:45 to help get the kids off to school. I ask you - why do softball games have to start at 9 on a Saturday and require us to get there by 8:30? For the love of god, does no one like to sleep in on a weekend? Even to 8 am would be nice!
Okay - enough escaping with journaling - time to buck up and get some work done.
C.J.
Comments (3)
OCPD - and no, it's not OCD
Those of you that know me well, know that I went through some therapy a few years back when I was depressed. I'm not the type to be in therapy for years, so once I figured out what my issues were I got out and worked on them.
I don't look down on the people who go for years, seriously, it's your money not mine. But I do think that if you are really there for help you will work with the therapist to solve your issues rather than treat them like a buddy you go and chat with each week.
Therapy is how I was evaluated and then informed that I have Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. If you look it up, don't judge me. There are varying degrees of this "condition" and I'm pretty mild. But, for those of you that know me well, it does answer quite a few questions.
That drive or "obsession" is what has made me who I am today. It helps to keep me pain free from migraines as well as being semi-difficult to live with. It enabled me and my husband to flip three houses while living in them, write a book in four months and have the beginnings of what may be a pretty good writing career ahead of me.
But, in times like this, with the specter of multiple sclerosis hanging over my head - it makes me obsess on the things in my life that I can control in order to ignore the things I can't. Like this newest contest I've entered on textnovel.com
I'm at the point where I'm on the cusp of being in the top 20. I have weeks to go, with my competitors gaining votes as well, before the contest ends. I'm actually considering individually emailing my friends and family - to harass them to vote. How sad is THAT? Next, I will call them. See? I have a plan.
I've done a lot for other people over the course of my life and I'm thinking that this vote isn't too much to ask. It's not like I'm running for president or anything serious - it's just a simple writing contest that could get me the notice I need to get a publishing contract.
A recent revelation has disappointed me as well. Out of 1200 "fans" on facebook, less than 10% have turned out to support me. I know because I've kept track. That's freakin' depressing. Why did they become a fan if they didn't truly give a crap? I have met some great people on there that I have become associated with, and I'm so glad I did the fan page. They're supporting me and they've only known me for a short time. It amazes me that they would do that without ever having met me.
That's more than I can say for my fellow writers in the writing guilds I'm apart of. No one even responded - out of several hundred - to my request for a vote. But then again, some of them have the attitude that "if I help you, you'll get published before me". They act as if there are only a certain number of us that have a chance of success in this business. There is always room for good writers willing to work hard and sell their work - the real issue is they lack the self confidence to see that.
I'll get off my soapbox now. Hey - it's nice to focus on something other than my upcoming MRI.
Maybe I'll organize the house again this weekend.
I don't look down on the people who go for years, seriously, it's your money not mine. But I do think that if you are really there for help you will work with the therapist to solve your issues rather than treat them like a buddy you go and chat with each week.
Therapy is how I was evaluated and then informed that I have Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. If you look it up, don't judge me. There are varying degrees of this "condition" and I'm pretty mild. But, for those of you that know me well, it does answer quite a few questions.
That drive or "obsession" is what has made me who I am today. It helps to keep me pain free from migraines as well as being semi-difficult to live with. It enabled me and my husband to flip three houses while living in them, write a book in four months and have the beginnings of what may be a pretty good writing career ahead of me.
But, in times like this, with the specter of multiple sclerosis hanging over my head - it makes me obsess on the things in my life that I can control in order to ignore the things I can't. Like this newest contest I've entered on textnovel.com
I'm at the point where I'm on the cusp of being in the top 20. I have weeks to go, with my competitors gaining votes as well, before the contest ends. I'm actually considering individually emailing my friends and family - to harass them to vote. How sad is THAT? Next, I will call them. See? I have a plan.
I've done a lot for other people over the course of my life and I'm thinking that this vote isn't too much to ask. It's not like I'm running for president or anything serious - it's just a simple writing contest that could get me the notice I need to get a publishing contract.
A recent revelation has disappointed me as well. Out of 1200 "fans" on facebook, less than 10% have turned out to support me. I know because I've kept track. That's freakin' depressing. Why did they become a fan if they didn't truly give a crap? I have met some great people on there that I have become associated with, and I'm so glad I did the fan page. They're supporting me and they've only known me for a short time. It amazes me that they would do that without ever having met me.
That's more than I can say for my fellow writers in the writing guilds I'm apart of. No one even responded - out of several hundred - to my request for a vote. But then again, some of them have the attitude that "if I help you, you'll get published before me". They act as if there are only a certain number of us that have a chance of success in this business. There is always room for good writers willing to work hard and sell their work - the real issue is they lack the self confidence to see that.
I'll get off my soapbox now. Hey - it's nice to focus on something other than my upcoming MRI.
Maybe I'll organize the house again this weekend.
Comments (4)
Better than being Dead
Well...hmm... how to start. My thoughts are scattered right now and I'm not sure what to say. My health has been up and down the past few years - which is what started this magically journey of writing my book, Vampire Vacation.
Reading is an escape for me and writing turned into the ultimate time consuming escape. Everything falls to the wayside in my mind. Being sick, running to the bathroom, medical tests, blood work, fasting for more procedures... all of it.
I'm feeling so overwhelmed right now that my eyes are filling with tears. I've been ignoring some minor foot-falling-asleep episodes for months. Figured it was my position at the desk, sitting cross-legged in my chair, result from sheer laziness and I'm-out-of-shape -- whatever.
Now my pinkie on my left hand is going numb/tingling for 6 to 8 hours a day. Doctor says it could be a vitamin deficiency, could be related to Celiac's with my auto-immune system battling my central nervous system, could be related to diabetes (meaning I may be boderline or have it, who knows).
But my doctor threw out a whole nother kettle of fish into the mix - Multiple Slcerosis (MS). Her concerns were a healthy woman in her thirties having night vision issues, tingling numbness in her extremities with my EE and Celiac's. Said it was a strong possibility.
Before I bawl my eyes out I'll wait for the neurologist to say something - which of course will be after weeks of more tests - CT/brain scans and possible spinal taps to extract fluid for testing. Ahh... the joys, eh?
My mom is always my voice of reason in any storm. She pointed out that if I have an issue with Celiac's and absorption of nutrition b/c of it, that perhaps it really is the vitamin deficiency. I'm hoping for that.
Seriously, what are my chances of having MS? Got to be pretty damn slim, I'd say. I'm torn between wanting to run screaming from the house, cry my eyes out or punch a wall.
Think I'll lock it all away in my mind right now, dry my eyes, take some deep breaths and head out to get the rest of the the supplements suggested - and the dratted epi-pen that I've put off admitting I need for months. Oh, and ignore my tingling pinkie. After all, it's a fairly useless finger anyway.
No matter what - the one thing I need to focus on above all else is this:
It's better than being dead.
C.J.
P.S. The mini-rats in my library/office are getting to me. They burrow and scratch and I find them distracting and annoying. Why do people get gerbils for pets? They suck.
Need some diet buddies - who's with me?
My husband and I are going to visit Asa in Italy this October. We're going for about 6 days and I'm psyched as all hell. Reality smacks me in the face when I think about, what for me, is the trip of a lifetime.
My kids are going to be taken care of by family and friends and we're going alone. Alone. Wow. So huge.
I'm not going to dwell on the fact that I can't eat any pasta or bread or WINE when I'm there. There is much more to Italy than that and I'm grateful to go.
My high school 20th reunion was last Fall. I was the fattest I've been since being pregnant - weighing in at 156 lbs. I was distraught when I saw the pictures. Who was that matronly-looking pudgeball with massive cleavage?
Yes, it was due in large part to my health concerns, but I was not eating healthy or exercising. I tried to lose weight when I got home but got caught up in the rounds of endoscopies, floroscopies, video capsules tests and then months of allergy tests - so suffice it to say, my weight loss program had many excuses to fail.
Now that I know my allergy issues, I really have no excuses. I did manage to slim down a bit this spring, to 152 pounds. I had got as low as 146, but the weight keep going back and forth like a see-saw making me more disgusted.
We visited with some family in DC on Tuesday and Pete's aunt looked great. She'd lost over 30 pounds. She cut out alcohol and all the late night snacking that brought on, plus started doing a protein shake with fruit for lunch. She inspired me.
I know weight loss is a long hard road and most of us are always looking for the quick fix. I've been unhealthy for years and it's got to stop. My recent back pain was enough for me to see that. The picture I have posted my facebook profile and fan page was only 2 1/2 years ago and I weighed 135 - I know I can get back there. And honestly, the doctor told me when I weighed 145 18 mos ago, that I needed to drop 20 lbs to avoid becoming diabetic (I'm boderline now).
And dammit, before I have a publishing party I want to be thinner. One fan suggested I dress up like a vampire for book signings - which would be fun as hell, but not going to happen if I'm weighing 150!
My real issue is with keeping it off. I get lazy and eat whatever I want and then the weight creeps back on. It's been a vicious cycle the last ten years, but one compounded by my allergies (and the severe bloating that accompanied eating the offense food) and I didn't even know it.
I'm doing a shout out for some diet buddies. Who wants to start a diet blog and report their NEW changes in their life? You only have to report every few days and we'll all promise to support each other's efforts by leaving some encouraging comments twice a week.
Here's my plan - to eat only: fruits, vegetables, meats, yogurt, popcorn and no alcohol. Yes, no alcohol. That is going to the kicker I think.
I really, really hate to exercise. I often joke with my friends that the only time I like to be sweaty is when I'm naked with Pete, and that's the god's honest truth. BUT - I enjoy yoga more than any other 'sport' and walking certainly will be good for my back.
So I commit to walking everyday, unless it's raining, and will go back to yoga once my back is healed.
I started on Wednesday with no alcohol and that morning I weighed 149.5. Today I weighed in at 148. I'll post my results every Friday and you can choose to do whatever you want - no pressure.
Get your husband involved too - they are great for support, and if you need to lose then chances are that they do too. Encourage them with my 'naked at nine' plan. I'll tell you more about it if you become a diet buddy with me. ;-)
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Back problems - not fun
As I lay here, with my computer propped up on pillows, I begin to contemplate where I went wrong. Has it been my lack of exercise? Has it been my hours and hours pouring over my laptop trying to crit, improve my book, solicit agents, and learn as much as I can about marketing myself?
In the big rush to sell my book have I once again ignored me? Or was it the concert on Saturday night to see Paul McCartney? I admit, I'm out of shape. I admit to party-ing my butt off rocking to old Beatles music, Wings and new McCartney tunes. Could that be the reason?
I do know that the excruciating pain has caused me to cancel a family trip to NJ to visit relatives and will drag myself to the doctor's today. Seriously, what can they do that I'm not already doing? Walk every hour; check. Stretch often; check. Lay on your back with pillows under your knees; check. Eat well, drink water and take over the counter pills for pain; check.
I've taken three prescription pain pills (left over from surgery in '06 and no, you don't want to know what for) in the last four days when the pain became unbearable, so I know I'm not 'abusing' them by a long shot. I'm 38 and I'm walking like some hunched back 80-year-old arthritic suffer.
Oh - on a funny note - my husband laughed at me and said I looked like an old woman. I got him back (have I mentioned I'm a bitch?). I waited until I was not burning in anger and gave him a fast smack-tap to his privates while he was still laughing at me hunched in pain. He stopped laughing real quick, got all serious and said "That wasn't funny, I got a little nauseous." I smiled. Seemed funny to me.
So that I don't get bummed out by what I haven't accomplished this week I'm going to focus on the positives:
- wrote a three part article for the FF&P member blog on how I have come so far in such a short span of time. I'm not sure if it was well received or not b/c my fellow writers are a quiet bunch. - have almost trained my barking dog to stop his incessant yard barking (with very little zapping going on).
- successfully posted an advertisement w/pictures for our pop-camper and just sold it (hurray! now we can get a bigger one with an actual bedroom door!!).
- critiqued 11 chapters of my writing buddy's novel - and I swear the pain killers didn't make me go easy on her, she can attest to that.
Okay, so it hasn't been a wasted week. My house is a mess, laundry is stacking up and I can barely stand. I need to get a highly polished version of my work out to an agent that requested it in paper via snail mail and I'm busting a gut to get it to her tomorrow.
Life is certainly hectic right now to say the least! Would I have it any other way? No, but I'd opt for no back pain right now that's for damn sure ; )
In the big rush to sell my book have I once again ignored me? Or was it the concert on Saturday night to see Paul McCartney? I admit, I'm out of shape. I admit to party-ing my butt off rocking to old Beatles music, Wings and new McCartney tunes. Could that be the reason?
I do know that the excruciating pain has caused me to cancel a family trip to NJ to visit relatives and will drag myself to the doctor's today. Seriously, what can they do that I'm not already doing? Walk every hour; check. Stretch often; check. Lay on your back with pillows under your knees; check. Eat well, drink water and take over the counter pills for pain; check.
I've taken three prescription pain pills (left over from surgery in '06 and no, you don't want to know what for) in the last four days when the pain became unbearable, so I know I'm not 'abusing' them by a long shot. I'm 38 and I'm walking like some hunched back 80-year-old arthritic suffer.
Oh - on a funny note - my husband laughed at me and said I looked like an old woman. I got him back (have I mentioned I'm a bitch?). I waited until I was not burning in anger and gave him a fast smack-tap to his privates while he was still laughing at me hunched in pain. He stopped laughing real quick, got all serious and said "That wasn't funny, I got a little nauseous." I smiled. Seemed funny to me.
So that I don't get bummed out by what I haven't accomplished this week I'm going to focus on the positives:
- wrote a three part article for the FF&P member blog on how I have come so far in such a short span of time. I'm not sure if it was well received or not b/c my fellow writers are a quiet bunch. - have almost trained my barking dog to stop his incessant yard barking (with very little zapping going on).
- successfully posted an advertisement w/pictures for our pop-camper and just sold it (hurray! now we can get a bigger one with an actual bedroom door!!).
- critiqued 11 chapters of my writing buddy's novel - and I swear the pain killers didn't make me go easy on her, she can attest to that.
Okay, so it hasn't been a wasted week. My house is a mess, laundry is stacking up and I can barely stand. I need to get a highly polished version of my work out to an agent that requested it in paper via snail mail and I'm busting a gut to get it to her tomorrow.
Life is certainly hectic right now to say the least! Would I have it any other way? No, but I'd opt for no back pain right now that's for damn sure ; )
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Looks like it's back to the doctor's for me...
I haven't blogged about the results of my various medical tests. Most of my friends knew from my FB posts, private emails, phone calls and face to face chats. Well, things have started getting worse again, so looks like I'm going to be headed back to the allergist and GI doctor.
After my last colonoscopy on June 22, the discovery was made that I had a sever gluten allergy. I asked the doctor what's the difference between me having an allergy or having Celiac's. He replied "It's the severity of the allergy. If your throat is closing up then it's safe to say you have Celiac's." Apparently, like most illnesses, there are varying degrees of Celiacs. Some people have it WAY way worse than I do, so I don't think it's all that bad really.
So, here I sit. At my computer. Feeling crappy because my throat is closing and I've taken my allergy meds today. Apparently the original diagnosis from December's endoscopy that revealed I had EE (eosinophilic esophagitis) is rearing it's ugly head. Again.
I thought I had messed up at the business conference with something containing gluten, because I started to get hives and then my throat started closing again. Now, after days of being good, I'm thinking that maybe I haven't caught all of the allergens yet.
Yes, yes, I probably did mess up at the conference. It was easy. Every damn meal had gluten in it and I was freakin' hungry as all hell. I'm going to schedule and appointment and go back to see what the doctor's say, but in the interim I'm going to cut wine from my diet.
I've had issues with straight wine making my throat close, but not when I dilute it. The allergist said perhaps it was the sulfite level of the pure wine. Some wines have more sulfites even the ones labeled 'sulfite free' are not, it's a natural by-product of fermentation. Not willing to let go of alcohol, I was eager to grasp at the doctor's suggestion and continued to drink it watered down.
Now, the day after an awesome ABBA tribute concert with my friends and I'm going to have to pop Benadryl and lay down for a few hours.
I'm not even hung over! I wish I could blame that! I woke up feeling great and had plenty of sleep. Had my gluten free bread and an egg for breakfast. Ate a gluten free small pizza with meat for lunch - felt so decadent having pizza in the middle of the day (yes, I'm sad and have no life, that's why I write)!
Eh, life sucks, allergies are not fun, but I'll live.
The voice of my mom is always in my head: "Buck up, it could be worse. You could be dead."
Off to pop my Benadryl.
After my last colonoscopy on June 22, the discovery was made that I had a sever gluten allergy. I asked the doctor what's the difference between me having an allergy or having Celiac's. He replied "It's the severity of the allergy. If your throat is closing up then it's safe to say you have Celiac's." Apparently, like most illnesses, there are varying degrees of Celiacs. Some people have it WAY way worse than I do, so I don't think it's all that bad really.
So, here I sit. At my computer. Feeling crappy because my throat is closing and I've taken my allergy meds today. Apparently the original diagnosis from December's endoscopy that revealed I had EE (eosinophilic esophagitis) is rearing it's ugly head. Again.
I thought I had messed up at the business conference with something containing gluten, because I started to get hives and then my throat started closing again. Now, after days of being good, I'm thinking that maybe I haven't caught all of the allergens yet.
Yes, yes, I probably did mess up at the conference. It was easy. Every damn meal had gluten in it and I was freakin' hungry as all hell. I'm going to schedule and appointment and go back to see what the doctor's say, but in the interim I'm going to cut wine from my diet.
I've had issues with straight wine making my throat close, but not when I dilute it. The allergist said perhaps it was the sulfite level of the pure wine. Some wines have more sulfites even the ones labeled 'sulfite free' are not, it's a natural by-product of fermentation. Not willing to let go of alcohol, I was eager to grasp at the doctor's suggestion and continued to drink it watered down.
Now, the day after an awesome ABBA tribute concert with my friends and I'm going to have to pop Benadryl and lay down for a few hours.
I'm not even hung over! I wish I could blame that! I woke up feeling great and had plenty of sleep. Had my gluten free bread and an egg for breakfast. Ate a gluten free small pizza with meat for lunch - felt so decadent having pizza in the middle of the day (yes, I'm sad and have no life, that's why I write)!
Eh, life sucks, allergies are not fun, but I'll live.
The voice of my mom is always in my head: "Buck up, it could be worse. You could be dead."
Off to pop my Benadryl.
The real reason I'm writing this book... escapism
I'm never the type to feel down on myself and denial has served me well in my lifetime. That being said, health wise, I had a very real scare last night.
I was diagnosed back in March with EE - I'll try to spell it out, but my spelling is crappy - Eosinophilic Esophagitis. It is basically white blood cells attacking my esophagus and causing it to close with scar tissue. It is triggered primarily by a food allergy, but can be aggravated and made worse by aero-allergens as well.
I'm mildly allergic to some tree pollens, some grasses, some mold, dust and my new kitten. Since the kitten has discovered the joys if the woods, we don't see him much and I survived my last cat for 18 years, so he's not going bye-bye just yet. With all of these vague air allergies, I ignored taking the daily pill and the nasal mist, because, let's face it, I have survived this long without even knowing they existed and I can stand a stuffy nose now and then. I really don't think my air allergies are the problem.
They would not be effecting my digestive tract (the allergists words, not mine), so I must be allergic to a food and I'm unaware of it. Hence all the testing and now the food elimination route.
Well, apparently, the doctor was right. I think. About the aeroallergens making my EE worse.
I never realized how much I ignored in my body until after three years of digestive issues, I one day said 'enough' and went to a doctor. Once the right questions were asked, I realized the difficulty I occasionally had while swallowing could be indicative of something else. I've been ignoring it for so long, assuming I was coming down with something or ate too fast and didn't chew my food enough, that I don't even know how long it's been going on.
The doctor's think it's been years based on the strictures I had in my throat. How can that be? How can I be so totally clueless to my own body? Because denial is easy. It's why I feel pain when I garden and why my back hurts when I'm too sedentary, I've gotten lazy and preoccupied and put my whole family first. Look where it has gotten me - to the drama of last night.
The day was gorgeous and I was in the backyard with my kids and laptop (working on chapter 17!! almost done!!) for over two and half hours. Around six, my husband comes out with a lite beer for me and we discuss what he's going to make on the grill and I'm going to make inside. Two or three swallows into the beer and my throat feels funny, kind of tight. I ignore it, cause that is what I do so well, and go in to make the side dishes.
While I'm cooking I feel it again and start to review everything I've eaten that day. Could it be something I had earlier? I mean, I have a beer almost everyday, so I was sure that couldn't be it.
Over dinner, my throat starts to tighten in waves and it dawns on me by the end of the meal that I'm having an allergic reaction to something. I make a few frantic observations like "Holy crap, I can feel my throat closing," before the first aid training kicks in and I get up from the table to take a Benadryl. I pour out the last half of my beer and switch to water.
It takes two hours, on that full stomach, to get the relief I need, but it's not tightening any worse and Pete and I have had time to discuss what it could be. Perhaps I inhaled enough aeroallergens yesterday in the yard to irritate my EE. I ate nothing out of the ordinary and have not had my elimination food for 2 1/2 weeks (tomato).
Today, I took my allergy pill and used the nasal spray. I'm going to listen and get off the denial train.
I really thought, and the doctor did too, that with chronic diarrhea for three years, the air pollens and such weren't really the culprit. I've always believed less medicine is better in the long run and I hate having to rely on anything. Well, I was scared last night. Almost, "take me to the hospital'' scared.
On one hand, it's a good thing we're not going away this weekend. Pete had too much work and school work to do and he was not his normal laid back self at all yesterday, so we canceled. But what would four days have done to me out in the open air in the woods?
SooOoo... Drama averted and lesson learned. I'll keep you posted on the 'spots' on my lungs and 'possible uterine fibroids' that showed up on my CT scan last week...
It's a joy, right? And now you know why I'm writing the book - to keep my mind off all this crap.
I was diagnosed back in March with EE - I'll try to spell it out, but my spelling is crappy - Eosinophilic Esophagitis. It is basically white blood cells attacking my esophagus and causing it to close with scar tissue. It is triggered primarily by a food allergy, but can be aggravated and made worse by aero-allergens as well.
I'm mildly allergic to some tree pollens, some grasses, some mold, dust and my new kitten. Since the kitten has discovered the joys if the woods, we don't see him much and I survived my last cat for 18 years, so he's not going bye-bye just yet. With all of these vague air allergies, I ignored taking the daily pill and the nasal mist, because, let's face it, I have survived this long without even knowing they existed and I can stand a stuffy nose now and then. I really don't think my air allergies are the problem.
They would not be effecting my digestive tract (the allergists words, not mine), so I must be allergic to a food and I'm unaware of it. Hence all the testing and now the food elimination route.
Well, apparently, the doctor was right. I think. About the aeroallergens making my EE worse.
I never realized how much I ignored in my body until after three years of digestive issues, I one day said 'enough' and went to a doctor. Once the right questions were asked, I realized the difficulty I occasionally had while swallowing could be indicative of something else. I've been ignoring it for so long, assuming I was coming down with something or ate too fast and didn't chew my food enough, that I don't even know how long it's been going on.
The doctor's think it's been years based on the strictures I had in my throat. How can that be? How can I be so totally clueless to my own body? Because denial is easy. It's why I feel pain when I garden and why my back hurts when I'm too sedentary, I've gotten lazy and preoccupied and put my whole family first. Look where it has gotten me - to the drama of last night.
The day was gorgeous and I was in the backyard with my kids and laptop (working on chapter 17!! almost done!!) for over two and half hours. Around six, my husband comes out with a lite beer for me and we discuss what he's going to make on the grill and I'm going to make inside. Two or three swallows into the beer and my throat feels funny, kind of tight. I ignore it, cause that is what I do so well, and go in to make the side dishes.
While I'm cooking I feel it again and start to review everything I've eaten that day. Could it be something I had earlier? I mean, I have a beer almost everyday, so I was sure that couldn't be it.
Over dinner, my throat starts to tighten in waves and it dawns on me by the end of the meal that I'm having an allergic reaction to something. I make a few frantic observations like "Holy crap, I can feel my throat closing," before the first aid training kicks in and I get up from the table to take a Benadryl. I pour out the last half of my beer and switch to water.
It takes two hours, on that full stomach, to get the relief I need, but it's not tightening any worse and Pete and I have had time to discuss what it could be. Perhaps I inhaled enough aeroallergens yesterday in the yard to irritate my EE. I ate nothing out of the ordinary and have not had my elimination food for 2 1/2 weeks (tomato).
Today, I took my allergy pill and used the nasal spray. I'm going to listen and get off the denial train.
I really thought, and the doctor did too, that with chronic diarrhea for three years, the air pollens and such weren't really the culprit. I've always believed less medicine is better in the long run and I hate having to rely on anything. Well, I was scared last night. Almost, "take me to the hospital'' scared.
On one hand, it's a good thing we're not going away this weekend. Pete had too much work and school work to do and he was not his normal laid back self at all yesterday, so we canceled. But what would four days have done to me out in the open air in the woods?
SooOoo... Drama averted and lesson learned. I'll keep you posted on the 'spots' on my lungs and 'possible uterine fibroids' that showed up on my CT scan last week...
It's a joy, right? And now you know why I'm writing the book - to keep my mind off all this crap.
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